Getting it off my chest.

This morning I wake up minus one mum and one sister. My mum text me yesterday morning at 6AM calling me pathetic for giving her some money back that she ASKED for back because she was skint. I was actually planning on giving it her back today [sunday] on our way to a 4th birthday party but the texts me and Keira had on Friday prompted me to give it her back there and then. I posted the money in an envelope through the letterbox because I wasn't sure if she was home and even if she was, with the texts I was getting I wasn't about to put myself in that situation. You'd understand if you met my mother. When she's angry, stay out of her way. I once said "fucking hell" under my breath when I was about 14 when I was told to clean my bedroom. It wasn't aimed at her or anyone, just one of those things you say I suppose. Under my breath or not, she heard it. She chased me up the stairs into my bedroom and punched me in the side about 3 times while Batman [bestfriend] was there. I think she took it personally!

The texts yesterday weren't too great so I told her exactly how I felt about it all. Mum was adamant that it was nothing to do with Ellie or William...however thats what all the texts were about. I told her that I was really sorry for not inviting her out and that I'd given her the money I owed [also gave her the money Keira borrowed to have new break pads] and asked if we could leave it at that. I told her I was fed up of arguing and the fact that she has fallen out with me more times than I've had hot dinners [I didn't actually say the hot dinners part] over the last year. I also told her that our family was no longer a family but a train wreck which is true. Paul, Keira and I all feel the same about the way mum treats us differently to Ellie amongst many other things. I got a text back calling me a "selfish bitch" amongst other things and that if mum wanted to fall out with me who was I to tell her not to?? She also told me not to reply because my mum likes getting the last word. FUCK THAT. I replied and told her that we are one kid and grandkid she doesn't have to bother with anymore.

I am REALLY annoyed and angry. It was me who found out Ellie what Ellie had being doing with all those men and it was ME that had to read through all the extremely explicit emails on both parts. I brought it to my mums attention. I supported my mum when she had to call the police. I was the one who did the pregnancy test with Ellie because mum couldn't face it. I was the one who went to the many appointments with Ellie. It was me who had to speak with the police formally because I was the one who found the evidence. It was me who found out where the guy lived and his details for the police. I was the one who held Ellies hand during labour because she didn't want mum. Me and Alan visited Ellie and gave mum lifts to/from the hospital after she'd had William. I took time off work to babysit William so Ellie could do her exams. Oh and I cooked Christmas dinner when Ellie first went to hospital in labour because mum didn't want to let everyone else down. I then went straight to hospital to support mum & Ellie. I took mum some food and a flask of tea. I spent most of Christmas day away from my new husband.

I've asked for support from my mum but she is too busy for me. When Paul and Keira had their little ones they were bought their prams and other bits and bobs. When I found out I was pregnant mum told me she couldn't afford to buy our pram because she would have to support Ellie financially as she only gets £80 every so often. I didn't moan or grumble we just went ahead and bought our own pram and bits and bobs. My step dad, Judd gave me the money for the pram because he didn't see it fair that Keira and Paul got things I didn't. Mum recently offered to buy our cot but kept putting it off for one reason or another, so yesterday me and Alan ordered it ourselves. She knitted patchwork blankets for Keira, Paul and the girls at work that are pregnant but told me becaused of William she doesn't have time to knit for us. She did knit us one although didn't have time to finish it so we got a small one probably the size of a tea towel. We didn't get the other things she promised to knit for us either because she didn't have the time. Story of my life.

A very private and personal fact about me. When I was 18 years old and at college I found out I was pregnant to my boyfriend of then 2 years. He was 17. I was on the pill and took it religiously. It was just one of those things the doctor told me. I remember telling Keira first and she congratulated me but I didn't feel happy. I told the boy [he will remain namless] and he was scared too. The day I found out I did 3 tests in the Alhambra toilets. All positive. I told my mum that night. I was terrified. Her words were "over my dead body are you keeping it"...I had already made my mind up I wasn't anyway but I wasn't allowed the choice for myself. I went to the doctors that day and told her I wanted a termination. It's not that simple though, you have to get two doctors to agree to it. You have to have consultations and everything first. I was told to go home and think about it and to come back in a week. I did and told the Dr my mind was made up. She arranged everything for me and the termination was arranged. The day arrived and I had to go to hospital for a "surgical termination" as I was further on than we thought. Keria took me and stayed with me. I remember crying as I was being put to sleep. I felt so ashamed of myself. All those women who wanted children and me who accidentally got pregnant. It didn't seem right. I went through it and went home. The boy didn't come with me, he went out with his mates to a gig. My mum never asked if I was OK. It was never spoken of again apart from between me and Keira. I wouldn't have been able to do it without her. I suffered later in life though when I was told I would need IVF to conceive because my tubes were blocked and have severe endometriosis and ovarian cysts. A miracle happened and we conceived naturally. I still think about the termination but know it was the best choice. Some may judge me for this but they would judge me more if I had kept it and couldn't support it properly. Alan knows all about this. Mum never supported me through this the major melt down I had afterwards that caused me to be admitted to hospital.

Enough of talking about the mum and sister who I don't want in my life at this moment in time. I'm fed up of being the one in the wrong when all I do is support them. If I was in the wrong, Paul and Keira would tell me but they're both shocked at why mum falls out with me all the time and not them. This time is different though, she's fallen out with Keira too. Paul and Keira feel the same as me though. They are embarassed, ashamed and fed up with it all. We are done with them.