Early bird

Morning campers!  Been awake since 4am and fought getting out of bed for a couple of hours but, it's no good there's things I want to look at on the internet on a screen thats bigger than my iPhone so here I am, up and raring to go! Kind of...

Firstly, I need to varify my account on the Geocache website and whilst I could do this on my phone there is a code you need to enter and my memory isn't fantastic being pregnant and all so I opted to wait and varify my account when I got up so I could copy and paste it straight from the email. I know what you're thinking, clever right? Haha OK maybe not...but not bad common sense for a preggers bird ;) Extremely new to this Geocaching, it was introduced to me last night by Jayne my Twitter bessie mate when she tweeted about going off down the Trans Pennine Trail something to do with Geocache. Being a nosey cow, I asked what this entailed and boy am I glad I did...it's right up mine and Alan's street!!! Basically, long story short it's a big tressure hunt by using a GPS device. Obviously there's more to it than this but as I said, I'm new to this so I can't fully explain. If you're reading and you're interested visit the website So I mentioned this to Alan and he's well up for giving it a go so after this blog post I'm off to varify my account! Can't wait!

Being up at daft o'clock with your husband out at work [he's on days] you get a bit bored so I started noseying at Facebook. I've boycotted updating facebook with any news about the baby but I'm good with commenting on other peoples statuses or noseying. Anyway, this morning I was noseying at the status updates and saw a review on some Lush products. I read on...an hour later and here I am. I have decided to come downstairs to sit on the laptop to look at the Lush website in more depth, normally I just go to the shop. After the last 13 weeks I am in major need of a pamper sesh so the plan is to look at a few products and get them ordered. Fuck it, I deserve a bit of a treat right??? Anyway, I need to test some more things because I always buy the same things from Lush. There's method in my madness, I could ask for vouchers for my birthday too and I would know what to get! So yeah, after I've varified my Geocache account I'm off to Lush.

Later this afternoon Alan and I are off out for tea with his workmates at The Bluebell, Manvers then off to the flicks to watch The Hangover Part II. Really looking forward to it. Who knows, this could be our last chance at a "date" for a while. Dreading going out slightly because I'm massive and nothing fits including my shoes!!! I like to make an effort now and then but being 41 weeks pregnant [tomorrow] restricts what you can wear somewhat. I'm thinking maternity jeans, baggy top and a nice cardi but have a feeling the top I want to wear will show the bottom of my preggy belly and the band of my maternity jeans. Friggin typical. I can't go too casual as we're off to the flicks with his mate from work Scott and his missus plus I don't want Alan's mates thinking he's married a munter! I'm not the best looking bird in town but I like to at least try and make an effort. Alan says I'm too down on myself he's wrong of course. I'm not down on myself at all, I'm just honest with myself. There's a difference.

Bloody strong contractions all last night and again this morning but you can bet your bottom dollar they won't amount to anything. I'm booked in for a sweep tomorrow, hoping it works but doubt it will. I'm not that lucky. I reckon they're going to have to pull Baby Lewis out kicking and screaming! Ran out of painkillers last night, the stronger ones the hospital provided and whilst they didn't take the pain away completely they helped take the edge off. In other words, beware a fair few moans until baby arrives. Cant' wait to finally blog my birth story, I'm going to be as graphic and descriptive as possible!!!

Anyway, that's enough for one morning! Or for now at least, I'm off to Geocache and Lush. I'll catch you on the next blog. TTFN

Here Comes The Sun...

Do do do do...

Oh how I wish I was singing here comes MY son but I'm not unfortunately. The title of the blog is thanks to Jayne. I was in a crappy mood until Jayne tweeted me to listen to Here Comes The Sun but sang by Angela McCluskey rather than The Beetles. One of my all time favourite songs. So yeah, I am now officially cheered up although still quite pissed off at Argos...

Our nursery furniture has been delivered but in stead of a cotbed mattress they sent a friggin' double mattress!!! How thick can you get? Double mattress VS cotbed mattress. Not much difference is there? Dickheads. Anyway, it's coming on Tuesday now. It's not ages away but I was really looking forward to having everything put together this weekend. I bet it was a bloke that packed my order! I've complained and I'm getting compensated with vouchers and credited my delivery charge. Bloody too right!

Had a nice morning/afternoon with Keira and Daisy, even managed a short walk around Wombwell. Not been down there for years but goodness me does it bring back memories! When I was 16yrs old, mum let Keira take me out round Wombwell drinking. We were home for 10pm and my gorgeous NEW white trousers were ruined with lager and black...that was when I learnt my first drinking lesson...DON'T mix your drinks! I think I drank everything that night. Sicky trousers and a massive hangover sorted me out forever, no longer mix drinks or even drink very much!! Wombwell used to be a good night out, looks a bit run down now though...

Anyways, another short but sweet blog for today. Think yourself lucky you got one, I almost forgot!

Funny Bugger

I wasn't planning on writing a blog today but I remember my promise to myself on yesterdays blog that I would try and write one even if it was short. So, this entry is supposed to be short and sweet whether it is or not remains to be seen!

Alan is on afters today so again, I'm home alone. I keep moaning about being on my own all day but actually aside from Alan, Keira and Daisy...I don't actually want any company. Or I might do but just not when people offer. I'm not in the mood to entertain people or even talk to people because all they want to talk about is baby stuff mainly and I'm fed up enough as it is without other people bringing the fact I'm over due to my attention. I don't mind the odd comment now and again but I've got people texting, rining, messaging me every bloody day asking me if there is any signs or how I feel or telling baby to get out. HELLO I'D FUCKING TELL YOU IF THERE WERE ANY SIGNS OF HIM BEING HERE ANY TIME SOON!!! Anyway, I have devised a list of people I am going to tell when I am told by the hospital that I am in active labor and they forsee me giving birth within a number of hours. Then when I've had him, the same people will be the first to know when he is here, his weight and if I'm up to it a picture of him [Yes Jayne, you're on my list!!!] After we are settled on the ward a few hours after having him, everyone else will find out. I'm doing it like this because there are some people who won't allow us to enjoy the first few hours with our baby boy - I'll have constant texts throughout labor and when he's here and to be honest I just don't want it. We've also said we're limiting who can come visit at hospital should I stay in...the only visitors I want aside from Alan is Keira and my brother and his wife.

I have to admit, lately I have been a funny bugger only replying to some texts people send, being slightly off with certain people and just generally being a bit off. I don't mean to and it isn't intentional but people don't realise how hard and stressful and upsetting this is. I understand some people are concerned about me and my baby but honestly, it just does my head in. I don't like fuss it just makes everything feel worse. If they can't understand though, they're not very good friends in my opinion.

Woke up with cold today and feel pretty shitty so don't plan on doing anything other than the ironing and a bit of washing unless I pick up...

Due Date and Disaster

I'm not even going to bother listing the reasons for not posting in so long...

I was due to have Baby Lewis 21st May, I didn't have him which means...you guessed it! I'm over due! The doctors and midwives all told me NO WAY would I get to full term. Ha! They were wrong as usual. Think Baby Lewis wanted to out-smart everyone. Little shit. Good[ish] news is I'm in "early" labour, I've started to dilate and my cervix [sorry if TMI] is very soft and the midwife can feel babys head. The bad news is, he's laid back to back...and he's not here yet :( When a baby is laid back to back, they come out facing upwards in stead of facing downwards. Back to back labours tend to be longer, more painful and require assisted deliveries. I get all the fun stuff don't I? I was told this Friday 20th May...since then I've been in more agony than before. I had a sweep done at the hospital on 20th - we went because the contractions were strong, regular and I felt major pressure in my bum and back...turns out this is because of the way he's laid. My next sweep, provided I haven't had him by then is Saturday 28th May. I just hope he makes an appearance before then.

The back ache and period type pains are awful, they keep me awake at night and force me to take 3 baths a day to try and soothe the pain. The kettle is constantly on the boil for my hot water bottle and I'm popping pills [paracetamol & codeine] like a druggy from Kendray [if you're not from Barnsley, you won't understand this reference but take it from me...it's not good!] Sitting hurts, standing hurts, laying hurts. There is a chance baby could turn before labour or even during and I've been reading up on how to do this because I wasn't given ANY advice from the hospital midwives and my own community midwife FAILED to tell me he was laid this way. Fucking typical [sorry for the language]. So, to turn baby leaning forward on a birthing ball is good or swimming or crawling round on hands and knees. I can't go swimming because I get really self concious at public pools and I don't have a swim suit that would fit! I've been leaning over the birthing ball for an hour or two at a time - very uncomfy and by the time I've done I look like I've had a good rogering doggy style on the carpet!!! Crawling around on all fours is OK but getting up is a bastard! My foot is still really sore and swollen - they say to keep it elevated above the heart...to turn baby I must NOT lay down...work that out then!!! Nothings easy at the moment. Good news is, nursery furniture: cotbed, wardrobes & drawers are being delivered on Thursday. Wonder which is delivered first, baby or furniture? I know what my bets on...furniture! I'm glad the furniture will be here soon so I can get on with his nursery. Obviously he won't be in it straight away but its another job out of the way.

Been thinking about labor and birth and bringing baby home. I'm over due and it doesn't quite seem real still. I can't imagine myself giving birth or in labor. Mind you, I suppose that isn't a bad thing is it! The excitement and the nerves are all mixed into one neither over powering the other which is a good thing. Healthy balance of the two at the moment. I think because of all the problems and what not, my mind hasn't got round it quite. I somehow don't THINK I'm ever going to have this baby. Obviously I am but my mind has decided that until baby is in my arms, we aren't believing it.

Disaster this morning, well not quite this morning. We rent our house and we love it. Sunday we noticed that one of the floor boards in the living room had sort of gone through slightly. I emailed our estate agent and let her know and the landlord came over yesterday to look at it. He said it looked like a simple job and that the estate agents would get someone to sort it A.S.A.P. They're really good like that. The guy came round this morning while I had Keira and Daisy here. I walked over to show him the damage and he let out a groan. It wasn't a good groan as groans go. Upon closer inspection, the floor joists have gone and the floor is unsafe at one side of the room. He asked if we have a cellar. We don't have ACCESS to the cellar - the girl next door has the only access. Our houses used to be a barn for the Wentworth family then it was converted to a pub...hence only one access to the cellar. Just my luck, the woman next door is out - she's a nurse and works shifts so I have no idea when I can go talk to her. The handyman has posted her his card and a note explaining briefly the situation and I'll go round as soon as I know she's home. He's told me it needs sorting A.S.A.P. as it could go through just by standing on it so therefore, I can't stand on it. It needs doing before baby comes because the whole floor needs taking up. Fucking brilliant. If baby comes before the floor is fixed, I'm going to have to stay in a hotel until it's fixed. I think he's going to come before it's fixed to be awkward and stay true to form. I've got some washing out on the line and the only way to get outside is on this dodgy floor...Oh what fun!

Anyway, I will try not to leave it so long before the next blog post unless of course I have a baby then I may have my hands a little full. Small updates may be better rather than long ones. I'll see how I get on!

Emotions Running High

Today, I'm feeling: numb, upset, fed up and tired and it's only Tuesday! Great start to the week eh? Yesterday wasn't too bad, I saw Keira, Daisy, Rachel (sister in law) and Isaac (nephew). I don't feel like writing about our meeting though, not today. Today I feel full of self pity and you know what? I don't care.

Alan is working afters [11:30am - 7:30pm] so I'm home alone. Again. They say, in the last few weeks of pregnancy to enjoy the time you have left to yourself. All the websites and books and magazines bang on about is read a book, watch a film, go shopping, pamper yourself etc etc etc basically...do things for yourself. It would be bloody lovely if I could do that. I love reading books and watching films but when you can't get comfortable for longer than 15 mins or are in constant pain and uncomfort it kind of takes the enjoyment out of things. Shopping and pampering myself are hardly high on the list considering my foot has swollen so much I can't actually get my shoes on...ANY shoes. Even my flip flops and slippers are too tight.

My back, legs, pelvis and feet ache constantly even with paracetamol, hot baths and massage. My tummy is tender from having contractions 3-5 mins apart for hours on end only for them to slow down and stop. No wonder my tummy is sore, this has been happening since 28 weeks. Sleeping is a thing of the past, I've come to terms with this already. I haven't slept well for weeks for pain or worrying. I manage an hour or two then wake up in sheer agony or needing a wee. I think I'd be great at teaching teenagers about sex education because everything I've gone through from the start of the pregnancy to now hasn't been all fun and games.

WOW I sound so unhappy and ungratful. It's not like that at all. I wanted this baby more than anything and I love him more than words could ever express and he isn't even here yet. I'm so excited to hold him in my arms and to see his tiny face look back at me. I can't wait to be a mummy. Even bits in pregancy have been amazing. First scan, second scan, hearing babys heart beating, the first movements, even the preggy belly is quite nice to cuddle. All I mean is, pregnancy is not easy. Some women have fab pregnancies, no problems and thoroughly enjoy it all the way through. Just not me. I can't wait for the pregnancy to be over so I can finally enjoy being a mummy.

I suppose being stuck at home not being able to walk to the shop or nip into town is making me feel even more emotional. I'm alone most of the day which is hard. Day time TV is rubbish and while I get the odd visit from my sister I still feel really rubbish. The only communication I seem to get with people these days is via text. I'm sure they will all come running when the baby is here. They can bollocks, not interested in me during pregnancy what makes them think I'll want them here when I have my boy here? Oh, I have my Twitter friends who actually are better than my "real" friends [whatever real friends are these days, I'm not so sure] and they cheer me up without even trying. They are funny and daft and caring and real people. It makes a lovely change.

Anyway, enough of the moaning from me. I'm going to get off because said swollen foot is HUGE and killing me. I may post pictures of it in my next blog just to show you how mahooooosive it is.

So, bring on the sleepless nights, shitty nappies and screaming baby because I am soooo ready to meet my baby boy and be a mummy. Seriously though...calling Mother Nature, The Universe and anyone else "almighty" enough to bring this baby to me...HIT ME WITH LABOUR TODAY PLEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASEEEE!!!

I'm rubbish at most things!!!

You certainly are honoured today! Two blog posts in one day! Jeez, I must be bored! Either that or I have something terribly interesting to write down...OK so maybe it's the first one then!

I write this as I should be:
1. Tdying the living room after a visit from my lovely niece Daisy
2. Washing the baby clothes given to us from Ellie
3. Cleaning the kitchen
4. Cleaning the bathroom
5. Starting the second picture for Baby Lewis' bedroom

But sod it! I have a far more important list to write! One that has been inspired by the fact that I am 39 weeks pregnant with a baby very nearly here and by my friend Jayne (well the first one anyway)....

THINGS TO LEARN BEFORE I'M 30...
I'm 24 on 23rd July! [get it in your diaries!!]

1. Learn to bake well...especially bourbons & buttercream
2. Learn to cook and follow recipes without burning everything/setting smoke alarm off
3. Learn to drive [this needs to be before next year!!!]
4. Learn how to grow our own fruit & veg
5. Learn to sew properly...I want to make things!!!

It's a short list for now but I'll add to it as and when I realise I'm very crap at something and need to improve! Or when I want to have a go at something but don't know how!

Nowt new

So...long time no blog! I may have to update this post later on as I'm due to get Alan up at 11:20 so he can have his breakfast before work. He was on nights last night, came home at 6:30 and he's got to be back in for 12:30! Poor lad! I'm making him a bacon & sausage butty on crispy white bread 'cause I love him y'see!

Well, have "time" to blog so obviously no baby...YET! I'm in "early" labour but it could take days/weeks! Friggin brilliant! As if I'm not uncomfortable enough as it is! Been having contractions that are getting stronger by the day. The midwife thought that because I was getting contractions every 3 mins I MUST be in labour. Poor woman must've felt a right tit when she checked me! She told me she expected me to be back within a couple of hours...that was last Sunday...Frustrated, tired and fed up are NOT the words.

*Tootles off to make bacon & sausage butty for hubby* Post to be continued when I have a minuite...

****** [EDIT @ 12:0]*******

OK so breaky done, hubby at work and me...Fooooked! I've been baking this morning...chocolate buns butterfly buns with buttercream! Not burnt and according to Alan, very tasty...I've not buttercreamed them all yet though as I made the buttercream a bit runny so it's setting in the fridge. Stupid internet recipes! I have now ordered a baking book from Amazon, one which Jayne recommended to me. She bakes so it must be good!

I'm supposed to be resting but I can't...I'm too fidgity! Plus I feel like there are loads of things to do! I've had a visit from my step dad, Judd this morning. He brought a big bag of baby clothes from Ellie including a cow coat that Keira gave Ellie on the proviso she'd give it to me! It was a struggle getting it with the current state of my "family"...I text Ellie and asked if she could bring it up. She said she'd come up today. Then she text she would come tomorrow. Then she said my step dad would bring it. No prizes for guessing who's idea it was? My mothers! Anyway, I've text both my mother and Ellie to thank them for the clothes as we do appreciate it. So far, no reply. Ignorant fuckers.

I should really be timing these contractions as they're getting quite painful...not that it means anything with me. Bloody awkward baby! I really hope he comes this weekend. I'm so uncomfy and sore and ready to meet my little man!

Fingers crossed x

Early labour sucks

The title says it all. Early labour sucks. We went to the hospital yesterday afternoon after the pain got worse and the contractions were 5mins apart. The midwife put me on the monitor and said she'd come check on me. She came back and told me she thought I was in labour as the contractions were strong, intense and were 3mins apart. I told her this was nothing new to me. She asked if she could "check" me which basically means an internal. As I'm over 37 weeks the midwives can do this on their own, no need to call a Dr or consultant which I was pleased about. Anyone who's had any kind of internal will know they are very undignified and uncomfortable and sometimes painful - during pregnancy its worse. I think the fact you're already tender doesn't help. The midwife did the internal and I was dreading her turning around and saying that the cervix was closed shut blah blah blah...

Turns out I'm not closed! And my cervix is softening! It's not "active" labour until you are 3-4cm dilated but I am in early labour. I asked how long things could take and it could take hours, days or weeks! Typical! The midwife and the dr both told me they didn't think it would be weeks at all, at the most it would be days. I hope they're right! I asked the midwife if I was a "puff" for coming in so early on in labour and being in pain and she said no, my contractions are actually stronger than some women who are in full labour. Comforting in a way. I was given the choice to either go home or stay in for monitoring. I chose to go home.

Didn't get any sleep last night so I feel shocking today. I've had contractions, though nothing like 5mins apart all night. I've had back pain and period pain all night and no change this morning. It looks like this could finally be the start of things. I'm not nervous yet. I will be once they tell me I'm in active labour. The plan today is to keep as active as I can handle with the contractions to try and encourage baby to move further down etc. Hopefully things will move quickly today.

Who knows...

Another early rise...

I'm knackered. Been up since 4am. Chuffing brilliant. Had major back ache last night but managed to eventually get to sleep sometime just after 11:30 then woke up at 1 for the loo [bloody baby squashing my bladder!] and then just before Alan's alarm went off at 4AM. I wasn't going to get up but with my back killing me there was no way I was going back to sleep. I come downstairs with Alan [he's on days] and made a hot water bottle up. I watched cartoons and the news for a bit then decided to get on with the canvas I'm attempting to do for baby Lewis' bedroom.

Alan and I had a craft evening last night. He did his dam buster model and I started a canvas for the nursery. Painting is really relaxing. I can't actually paint though I will make that point now. I was painting lines. All will be revealed when it's complete. If it's any good, I've got an idea for another.

Yesterday was really good, we went to Keiras and took her a Peppa Pig birthday cake. Her birthday isn't until Monday 9th but Alan's at work and Keira, Mick and Daisy are going out for the day so yesterday seemed a good a day as any. She was really pleased with it. We stayed for some cake [obviously] and a cuppa which was great. Alan and I then went out for lunch before calling at his sister Sharons house for a quick visit. We then came home and relaxed. Makes a change for us to not be out or doing something until late.

I'm gonna make a cuppa tea and get on my birthing ball, I'm in chuffin agony here. Hoping baby Lewis will make his debut appearace soon. Later, all being well we are off out for Sunday lunch. I might get a little bit dressed up too sod it!

***** [EDIT] *****

Decided if I'm still in pain when Alan gets home, I'm calling the hospital. They will probably get me to go up for checking out but if nothings happening I'll come home, not staying in for no reason. At least I will feel more at ease knowing baby is OK etc or if anything is happening even if I am in pain.

Short & Sweet

I am knackered. Up and down, up and down to the loo every hour or so last night. I know that this is supposed to happen but it doesn't make it any less annoying. Doesn't help that my husband likes to take up ALL of the bed either laying on me or pushing me out. I gave it up at 6am, got up and came downstairs. I decided the dream about getting some shoes re-heeled was worth missing. I'm tired, feel sick and slightly emotional this morning. It's hormones, I know.

Yesterday I had a lovely afternoon with Alan. We went for lunch to The Bluebell at Manvers. It seems to be one of our favourite places to eat at the moment. We took our time, sat eating and talking [not talking with our mouths full, what do you think we are!!] We even managed dessert, normally we rush through but this time we took our time. There was nothing spoiling. I had toffee & profitteroll cheesecake - it was devine! Alan had a knickerbockerglory - he's such a kid. I can't wait to learn to drive so I can be the "designated driver" and he can enjoy a beer.

We went to Hobbycraft to get a plastic box for the snake - his tank is ready for cleaning but I can't hold him whilst Alan cleans it or vice versa because I'm pregnant. We've bought a plastic box with a clip lid to put him in while the vivarium gets cleaned. We're going to drill air holes in the lid, obviously. Alan bought me some new paint brushes and some paints for the canvases I've had for years. Don't get me wrong, I'm not any good at painting and I'm certainly no artist. I want to design a canvas for Baby Lewis' room. The plan is a striped blue, red and white canvas with the alphabet on it. Sounds crap. Probably will turn out crap but I'm giving it a go! We bought the cot bedding yesterday. We don't have the cot yet but it will be delivered at the end of May, beginning of June.

Not sure what our plans are today, it's forecast thunderstorms which is probably why I have a headache. I suffer with migranes a lot and aways get one when there is a thunderstorm. Something to do with airpressure I suppose. I don't want to stay at home all day, that I do know. Maybe I'll take a look at some museums or something...need to keep my mind off of labour.

I'm feeling very down on myself today. If I had to tell you what I'm good at and what I'm bad at, there would be nothing on the good list and plenty on the bad. So before I get all self pity on my arse I'm signing off. Self pity and misery is not the look I'm going for today.

Peace out x

Lucky Lady

I can't believe I'm going to be a mummy soon. I'm going to have a tiny little baby to love and care for. I'm so excited about it but I won't lie, I'm bricking it too! They say caring for your baby comes naturally. I hope it's true because I have no idea! I loved him from the first moment I saw the pink positive line on the test and every day the feeling has just got stronger. I've read the books and got the emails about pregnancy and birth and now caring for a baby. I suppose only time will tell when he gets here...One thing I know for sure is I love him more than anything in the world. Can't wait for the finishing piece of my family jigsaw :)

Still not heard from my mother but this isn't the longest time we've not spoken. Keira and I spoke about it yesterday and we both feel the same, we're through with it all. No more drama. We have our own families to focus on. It's mums loss, not ours. I've coped without her before more than once, I can do it again. I have my brother and sister. I have my husband. I have my extended family. And I have friends. I've gained a few friends very recently who have been a bigger support to me than my mother ever has. The term for this is a true friend. I'm very lucky to have them.

The project has been put on hold which I'm not crazy about but spending money on baby furniture which was supposed to be a gift from my mum has meant that I haven't been able to get the things I need. I have a notepad dedicated to the project though with lists of what I need. Plenty of brainstorms too. I know I will have less time on my hands when Baby Lewis gets here but I think it's still possible to do. If you want something and you are willing to work hard to get it then it's worth going for it.

Hoping for a nice lunch out somewhere with Alan today - want to do this as much as we can before baby gets here. He's an amazing husband and my best friend. He is a natural with babies and kids of all ages. Baby Lewis is super lucky to have him as a daddy and I'm super lucky to have him has my hubby and best friend. I am one happy and lucky lady at this moment in time :)La

I have a feeling today is going to be a looooooong day! I've been up since crack o dawn with back ache and contractions. Got in bath around 5am because there was no chance I was getting back to sleep. I'm wide awake now but you can bet I'll be exhausted by lunch time! Had contractions and back ache that was painful for over 4 hours last night but they slowed down and I managed to fall asleep for a little while. They are back again now. I hope this is the start of him actually making an appearance! Little bugger!

Yesterday, I had a lovely visit from Keira and Daisy. Daisy kept saying my name when asked who was on the phone..."MAMEEEEE" so bloody cute! I really love spending time with them. Keira and I get to have a "grown up" natter...at the moment it's about how fucked off we are with mum and Ellie! And I get to play with Daisy. She keeps lifting my top up and rubbing my belly saying, "baby" My neice is so clever :)

Alan had his tattoo done yesterday, which actually is quite nice. It's his second so far. The first is his late step dads nickname on his forearm. Both tattoos were designed for him & are originals so no one else will have them which is good. I love tattoos just not the dolphin, ex's names, shit roses that even I could draw! I have four myself:

1. Small treble cleff on my back [tribute for my love of all music from when I was younger and learning to play piano]

2. Small heart on my hip/tummy [a special day with my best friend Batman - dedicated to her]

3. Butterflies with flowers on my foot [in memory of a passed friend and new friends made]

4. Face your fears. Live your dreams in latin on the inside of my wrist [got this when I was being bullied at my old work and struggling with endometriosis and other things]

They are all small tattoos but significant and meaningful to me. All can be hidden too!

A better day

Yesterday was great after I got my last blog post off of my chest. I went to Meadowhall with my friend Adele because she needed some holiday clothes. I bought a few tops myself because the tops I have at the moment don't fit great due to bump! Wore my new trainer things & they were super comfy. I did struggle after a while though, it's hard work carrying a baby around!

It was our nieces [on Alan's side] 4th birthday yesterday and I promised her we would go to her party no matter what. She calls me "my best friend auntie Amy" bless her :-) We got to Sharon & Simons [Alan's sister & bro in law] at around 4pm and the party was already in full swing! We shouted Rheanna and she came straight over to us, despite the many other things she could do. We got a cuddle then gave her the card and presents we'd bought her. She was chuffed to bits with her card, it was Tinkerbell! I got her into Tinkerbell ages ago and ever since I always buy Tink themed cards, gift wrap etc. She loved it! So cute! We bought her play dough [much to Sharons disgust haha] and it was an icecream parlour type machine! To be honest, I wanted one myself!

The party was lovely, lots of kids having fun and adults trying their best to keep their kids from getting over excited. I love a good buffet and Sharon never fails to feed an army so the food was great! There was a 4 tier stand with cupcakes that Rheanna and her older sister Courtney [12] had made and decorated. They were better than any baking I've ever done! The cake was a castle turret with Rapunzel and her hair - fantastic I must say! But Sharon has a real talent for cakes. I sat inside the conservatory most of the time, mainly because Baby Lewis was playing up but I still managed to join in. I'm not one for family do's but this was great. Oh and we got our own presents from Sharon & gang...a lovely changing mat and a basket of essential baby things. I love baby hampers people make up, I think they're so imaginative and useful!

I've been awake since around 3:30am with sickness and aches and pains. The joys of being pregnant. Started with horrendous heartburn too which made the sickness worse. Only threw up once thankfully but I'd rather BE sick than feel it! I was awake when Alan came home so we had a natter before he went to sleep. Now I'm downstairs contemplating what I can do with my day while Alan is in bed. Might scrub the floors - its an old wives tale that is supposed to bring on labour!

Getting it off my chest.

This morning I wake up minus one mum and one sister. My mum text me yesterday morning at 6AM calling me pathetic for giving her some money back that she ASKED for back because she was skint. I was actually planning on giving it her back today [sunday] on our way to a 4th birthday party but the texts me and Keira had on Friday prompted me to give it her back there and then. I posted the money in an envelope through the letterbox because I wasn't sure if she was home and even if she was, with the texts I was getting I wasn't about to put myself in that situation. You'd understand if you met my mother. When she's angry, stay out of her way. I once said "fucking hell" under my breath when I was about 14 when I was told to clean my bedroom. It wasn't aimed at her or anyone, just one of those things you say I suppose. Under my breath or not, she heard it. She chased me up the stairs into my bedroom and punched me in the side about 3 times while Batman [bestfriend] was there. I think she took it personally!

The texts yesterday weren't too great so I told her exactly how I felt about it all. Mum was adamant that it was nothing to do with Ellie or William...however thats what all the texts were about. I told her that I was really sorry for not inviting her out and that I'd given her the money I owed [also gave her the money Keira borrowed to have new break pads] and asked if we could leave it at that. I told her I was fed up of arguing and the fact that she has fallen out with me more times than I've had hot dinners [I didn't actually say the hot dinners part] over the last year. I also told her that our family was no longer a family but a train wreck which is true. Paul, Keira and I all feel the same about the way mum treats us differently to Ellie amongst many other things. I got a text back calling me a "selfish bitch" amongst other things and that if mum wanted to fall out with me who was I to tell her not to?? She also told me not to reply because my mum likes getting the last word. FUCK THAT. I replied and told her that we are one kid and grandkid she doesn't have to bother with anymore.

I am REALLY annoyed and angry. It was me who found out Ellie what Ellie had being doing with all those men and it was ME that had to read through all the extremely explicit emails on both parts. I brought it to my mums attention. I supported my mum when she had to call the police. I was the one who did the pregnancy test with Ellie because mum couldn't face it. I was the one who went to the many appointments with Ellie. It was me who had to speak with the police formally because I was the one who found the evidence. It was me who found out where the guy lived and his details for the police. I was the one who held Ellies hand during labour because she didn't want mum. Me and Alan visited Ellie and gave mum lifts to/from the hospital after she'd had William. I took time off work to babysit William so Ellie could do her exams. Oh and I cooked Christmas dinner when Ellie first went to hospital in labour because mum didn't want to let everyone else down. I then went straight to hospital to support mum & Ellie. I took mum some food and a flask of tea. I spent most of Christmas day away from my new husband.

I've asked for support from my mum but she is too busy for me. When Paul and Keira had their little ones they were bought their prams and other bits and bobs. When I found out I was pregnant mum told me she couldn't afford to buy our pram because she would have to support Ellie financially as she only gets £80 every so often. I didn't moan or grumble we just went ahead and bought our own pram and bits and bobs. My step dad, Judd gave me the money for the pram because he didn't see it fair that Keira and Paul got things I didn't. Mum recently offered to buy our cot but kept putting it off for one reason or another, so yesterday me and Alan ordered it ourselves. She knitted patchwork blankets for Keira, Paul and the girls at work that are pregnant but told me becaused of William she doesn't have time to knit for us. She did knit us one although didn't have time to finish it so we got a small one probably the size of a tea towel. We didn't get the other things she promised to knit for us either because she didn't have the time. Story of my life.

A very private and personal fact about me. When I was 18 years old and at college I found out I was pregnant to my boyfriend of then 2 years. He was 17. I was on the pill and took it religiously. It was just one of those things the doctor told me. I remember telling Keira first and she congratulated me but I didn't feel happy. I told the boy [he will remain namless] and he was scared too. The day I found out I did 3 tests in the Alhambra toilets. All positive. I told my mum that night. I was terrified. Her words were "over my dead body are you keeping it"...I had already made my mind up I wasn't anyway but I wasn't allowed the choice for myself. I went to the doctors that day and told her I wanted a termination. It's not that simple though, you have to get two doctors to agree to it. You have to have consultations and everything first. I was told to go home and think about it and to come back in a week. I did and told the Dr my mind was made up. She arranged everything for me and the termination was arranged. The day arrived and I had to go to hospital for a "surgical termination" as I was further on than we thought. Keria took me and stayed with me. I remember crying as I was being put to sleep. I felt so ashamed of myself. All those women who wanted children and me who accidentally got pregnant. It didn't seem right. I went through it and went home. The boy didn't come with me, he went out with his mates to a gig. My mum never asked if I was OK. It was never spoken of again apart from between me and Keira. I wouldn't have been able to do it without her. I suffered later in life though when I was told I would need IVF to conceive because my tubes were blocked and have severe endometriosis and ovarian cysts. A miracle happened and we conceived naturally. I still think about the termination but know it was the best choice. Some may judge me for this but they would judge me more if I had kept it and couldn't support it properly. Alan knows all about this. Mum never supported me through this the major melt down I had afterwards that caused me to be admitted to hospital.

Enough of talking about the mum and sister who I don't want in my life at this moment in time. I'm fed up of being the one in the wrong when all I do is support them. If I was in the wrong, Paul and Keira would tell me but they're both shocked at why mum falls out with me all the time and not them. This time is different though, she's fallen out with Keira too. Paul and Keira feel the same as me though. They are embarassed, ashamed and fed up with it all. We are done with them.