Light at the end of the tunnel...

I should be doing housework ready for the landlord coming to measure the floor tomorrow ready for the new one…but stuff him!  He can measure around the mess [and trust me, there’s plenty of it!]  Instead of doing the aforementioned housework, I have decided to write this blog post while everything is still fresh in my mind.  It’s been a while since I posted last, the next few paragraphs may explain why…

If you’ve been reading my blog you’ll know that I’ve been suffering from an anal fissure for almost 18 weeks.  If you haven’t been reading my blog, catch up with [this post] [this post] and [this one].  Let me tell you, it has been an agonising and excruciating 18 weeks and I’d rather go through child birth everyday than this hell.  I finished the 8 week course of the GTN medicine a week ago and things still hadn’t improved.  I’ve been in tears almost every day with the pain.  I decided enough was enough and Monday morning I rang the doctor’s office and made an emergency appointment for that morning.  I checked online and unfortunately it was the same doctor I’d had trouble with the last two times I’d been [see previous posts for more info].  Gutted was not the word. 

Hubby went for a walk local to the doctor’s surgery with Alfie whilst I had my appointment.  I sat in the waiting room and literally had to choke back the tears from the mornings previous painful passing of “glass”.  When I walked into the doctors room, I burst into tears almost immediately.  He tried to comfort me but I was WAY past comfort.  I explained to him that the fissure was too much for me to cope with, I felt it was getting worse, the blood loss was increasing and and and… He needed to examine me which I was prepared for.  I lay on my left hand side and held onto the bed ready for the pain.  He spread my bum cheeks and I cried out in pain.  He’d not even got to the fissure yet and already I was in tears.   When he took off his glove, it was covered in blood.  Not a pretty sight let me tell you.  After the examination we sat down and he told me I’d developed a perianal abscess [basically an abscess around / near the bum hole].  This was because the fissure hadn’t been treated quickly enough.  His bastard fault!  I was prescribed two strong antibiotics for a course of ten days and was sent on my merry way.

When I got home that morning I researched anal abscesses and was alarmed to see that usually antibiotics alone don’t work and surgery is required.  I thought perhaps I had just read some biased information and continued to take the antibiotics religiously.  On Wednesday, I woke up feeling horrendous.  I was in pain and I felt ill.  I carried on and even managed a walk around Graves Park at Sheffield [go if you get chance, it’s lovely!].  Wednesday afternoon whilst Alfie was asleep I went to the toilet and passed yet more glass.  I felt worse this time, much worse.  As I walked downstairs a wave of heat, sickness and dizziness came over me and I had to sit on the stairs to steady myself from falling.  I felt like I was going to pass out.  I text my sister and hubby to let them know.  This was the worst I’d ever felt – pain and otherwise.

Early yesterday [Thursday] morning, I woke up to be sick.  I had to ask hubby to take care of Alfie whilst I went upstairs to throw up and try get some rest.  We were all downstairs because of a particularly bad night with Alfie.  I threw up and went to bed where I had the worst sleep ever; it was interrupted by sickness, sweating and the dizzy feeling.  At 11am hubby was half way to work and I started to feel the dizziness get worse so I called to speak with an on call doctor.  She was on the phone at the time I called so the receptionist took my number and promised the doctor would call me back shortly.  I was pleased to hear the on call doctor was a she, it meant it wasn’t the “pain in the arse” doctor.  Thank fuck for that.  The doctor called me as promised, I explained my symptoms and she told me to call my hubby to come home straight away and she made me an appointment for a few hours’ time.

I managed on my own with Alfie until hubby came home at 2 – he should have been home earlier but had work commitments.  Alfie was extremely good, he was laid on the rug butt naked happily playing, watching TV and babbling away to himself and me.  It was pretty sweet.  By the time my appointment came round I was feeling worse and felt so weak that hubby walked me to the waiting area and sat me down before he went for a walk with Alfie.  He wanted to stay with me but there was nothing he could do and if I passed out I was in a doctors surgery – I’d be fine!

I was called in straight away and was examined immediately.  My sphincter muscle had gone into spasm which meant she couldn’t examine me properly – not a good sign if the sphincter goes into spasm apparently.  We had a chat about how I felt whilst she read through the notes the pain in the arse doctor wrote.  Turns out the stupid prick had given me the wrong type of antibiotics completely!  The lovely doctor explained to me she was giving me the right antibiotics with a general anaesthetic cream to use before and after a motion [basically to help numb the area and therefore help the pain] and she told me to call her first thing Tuesday morning.  When I call Tuesday morning, if there’s been no improvement she’s going to call the surgeons and arrange for the operation to be done A.S.A.P.  It’s a pretty minor procedure but it will make the world of difference.  The doctor told me it’s likely I will need the operation because if there’s been no improvement after almost 18 weeks, it might be too far gone to heal any other way but that said, the antibiotics and the anaesthetic cream are worth a shot.

This morning, despite being in pain I feel O.K. because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and *fingers crossed* in a few weeks I’ll be pain free and be able to have a lovely poo without any problems.  You’ve no idea how exciting that prospect is!

Alfie's Welcome to the World Party

Before Alfie was born we had already decided that we didn’t want to have him christened considering neither of us are in any way religious.  I didn’t want to hold a naming ceremony either because it just seemed too formal.  I still wanted to have a party or gathering of some kind and so came up with the idea of a Welcome to the World party.  It had everything I wanted out of a celebration, friends, family and a big hoo har all about Alfie.

Alfie’s Welcome to the World party was Sunday 25^th September and although it was a simple, no fuss party I still put a lot of thought into the whole occasion.  Friday, we went and bought Alfie’s outfit from Mammas and Pappas and went to Hobby Craft to get a few bits for me to make his memory scrap book.  Saturday, we had to exchange the outfit we bought because it had been on the wrong size hanger so we’d bought the wrong size!  I’d had my dress for well over a month – a very expensive French Connection dress – I don’t normally spend a lot on clothes but I fell in love with this dress and the occasion called for something special.  Alan, much to his disgust wore a shirt and trousers (he’s more of a shorts and t-shit man)

First thing on Sunday morning we picked Alan’s younger sister up and went through to his nan’s.  She’s been in and out of hospital and on deaths door for years bless her, she’s only recently come out of hospital after yet another massive heart attack – she’s a strong old bird bless her.  Sunday was the first time she’d ever met Alfie and she’d saved up all her energy and barely spoke for two days just so she would have the energy to talk to him.  Luckily Alfie was on his best behaviour and he smiled and laughed in all the right places – Rita [Alan’s nan] was besotted with Alfie and completely over the moon she finally got to meet him.  She wasn’t well enough to come to the party but had bought a card and put in some money, bless her.  She kept telling me how beautiful Alfie is and that he’s a credit to me and that I’m a really good mum.  This coming from a woman with 9 children, made my day.

When we got home, the race was on to make sure all three of us were ready to leave the house for 1:30PM as the party started at 2.  I finished the pages of Alfie’s memory/scrap book we were taking with us and spruced myself up best I could.  Then Alan got ready – changed and a bit of aftershave and he was done!  That left Alfie – the real challenge!  Changing a sleeping baby is no fun at the best of times but especially when you’re in a rush.  We had to change him at the last minute because of how sick he is – he’d ruin his Mamas and Papas outfit and I just wasn’t cool with that, not until everyone had seen him in it anyway!  We were ready and headed off to the party! 

Mummy & Alfie

Daddy & Alfie

Our guests arrived slowly but surely and Alan was the perfect host with Alfie while I did a few last minute “bits”.  In Alfie’s memory book I had the idea of doing his handprint and then having everyone else leave their fingerprint and sign their names underneath – better than a guestbook or just a load of signatures on a page I thought.  I was really unsure people would take part I mean some people are a little OCD about mess [my mum] and inky fingers although I left baby wipes may not have been cool for some people.  I was so pleased at the end of the day that everyone, including my mum had left their print!  The finished product looks beautiful – I’m thinking of getting it framed rather than leaving it in a book!

Alfie's fingerprint guestbook

Alfie was so well behaved despite being tired and he actually went to sleep even with all the hustle and bustle around him!  The food seemed to be a hit with the guests and the cake was an even bigger hit!  I ordered the cake over a month ago and the only stipulation I gave Abbie was that I didn’t want it traditional christening cake looking and I wanted it colourful.  Oh boy she filled my expectations and more, it was divine!  There were cupcakes [or as most of us on the “Twitter” table called them BUNS] and cake pops – cakes on lollipop sticks!  The top tier was cute and my favourite flavour – white chocolate and raspberry!  If you’re in the South Yorkshire area and need a cake, I can highly recommend Butterflies and Angels at Bolton on Dearne.  They were professional, friendly and extremely talented – can’t wait for Alfie’s first birthday to book his next cake in!

Alfie's cake

Whilst Alfie was fast a kip, the party was in full swing and I made the executive decision to have my very first alcoholic drink in over a year!  Batman, my BFFL [best friend for life] bought me a white wine spritzer – because she wanted to chat the barmaid up in hopes of getting a job! Trollop!  I was then bought another by Adele, then Julian and then Batman again.  I stopped at four white wine spritzers and I was pretty tipsy by this point!  Boy did I let my hair down!  I expected the hangover from HELL on Monday but it never came…that means I must do it again! 

Alfie fast a kip whilst the party went on!

Gradually our guests left the party and although we only had the room until 6pm Alan, Alfie, Batman and I didn’t actually leave until 7pm.  We gathered up the left over cake pops and cake and the hundreds of cards and presents for Alfie and headed off.  It was the nicest, informal, non-christening ever!  I think it’s safe to say our guests enjoyed themselves and there were no tears from any of the kiddies – even though my almost 2 year old nephew decked it on the floor outside!  Everyone had fun, me especially with my four white wine spritzers!  I also left feeling pretty good that everyone commented on my new red hair – thankfully it doesn’t look a twat!

Before I sign this blog off for posting, I would just like to thank my wonderful friend Jayne for all her help with Alfie’s Welcome to the World party – not only did she design the most beautiful, bespoke invitations for us and the fingerprint sign but she also supported me through feeling insecure and a little on edge and I couldn’t have done it without her.  I would also like to thank my gorgeous husband who paid for the lot [and it wasn’t cheap, let me tell you] and even though he doesn’t read my blog I am extremely grateful to him for just being him the whole day.  Would also like to thank the other Barnsley Tweeters that came: Shaun, Julian, Ken and Adele – together with Jayne  and Batman they made for lots of fun and laughter, it was fun!  And last but certainly not least I want to thank my gorgeous little man Alfie for being such a good little boy all day – mummy and daddy love you so much baby boy!

The Barnsley Twitter table - Ken was at the bar - piss 'ead!

I don't feel me

Tomorrow is the day of Alfie's Welcome to the World party - our own version of a naming ceremony/ christening. I'm really looking forward to it but dreading it at the same time. Here's why...

Three years ago I had a boob job [don't worry, Jordan I ain't!] to help boost my confidence after years and years of suffering with low self esteem and confidence. It worked, I was a new girl/woman/person. Had it not been for my boob job I wouldn't have met my husband or had my beautiful boy Alfie so for me suffering and overcoming it all was fate.

Now, three years on I seem to be suffering with the same issues I was when I was a teenager except there is no specific thing making me suffer. I don't hate my body or face anymore but I don't love them either. They're just OK. My body isn't the problem. Nor is the way I look. Now it's how I feel. I can't explain it. I just don't feel confident in myself anymore.

Today we were shopping for bits and bobs for Alfie's party and I was walking round the shops with my hands wrapped around myself, slumped over and thinking everyone was looking at me. It wasn't the nicest shopping trip, let me tell you. I felt self really, scarily self conscious for the first time in a very long time. I didn't know how to handle it. At one point I was close to tears.

My wonderful hubby treat me to a new outfit to cheer me up which was lovely and I love my new things but I still didn't and don't feel right. We went out for tea with friends and whilst I enjoyed every minute of it, I still struggled feeling me. The only time a negative thought DIDN'T cross my mind was when I was playing with Alfie or feeding him.

I know a lot of you will probably put this down to PND [post natal depression] but I promise you it's not. I'm not depressed. I just feel a bit unsure of myself. No one reason contributes to this I just literally woke up feeling wrong. The usual banter type jokes from hubby now sting. I question myself constantly. I worry I'm not good enough. I feel inadequate. I feel ugly. I feel strange. I don't feel me.

I should probably mention, I'm on my period so very hormonal! It's probably just a phase. It'll probably pass without me even realising. I just feel so uneasy feeling this way again after so long.

Hard Times Ahead

It's not even 5:30am and not only am I up but I'm blogging too! Not sure if that's dedication or just plain crackers! Either way I'm up and although I'm knackered from lack of sleep for the last week I'm wide awake. I'm not sure who feels worse this morning, Alfie or me. Saying that, Alfie is finally on his way back to sleep bless him.

Alfie is almost 4 months old and at this age some babies go through what is known as the four month sleep regression/ growth spurt/ developmental leap; all of which cause havoc with baby. I didn't actually know this until I asked for advice on why Alfie has suddenly become a baby who can only sleep a max of 2 hours at night. I was directed to a few websites and books for reference to help me understand this "milestone" in his development.

When you think about it, a baby has a lot to think about, learn and a lot of growing physically and mentally hence the developmental leap/ growth spurt/ sleep regression. Knowing this kind of helps me handle the days when Alfie is so tired but can't shut off so all he can do is cry. It's hard work having a baby cry almost constantly and inconsolably for hours. You're knackered from the lack of sleep you're both getting but your emotions are running high too.

For the last few days sleeping, eating and daily tasks have been a distant memory for me. Starting the day with less than 2 hours straight kip under your belt is hard work. Alfie has been so difficult to comfort; cuddles, feeding, walking in the pram, baby wearing and everything in-between doesn't work. He's also feeding more - but that's pretty self explanatory being a growing baby and all.

These developmental leaps and growth spurts happen at regular intervals in a babies life - so mummies if you weren't aware of this, prepare yourselves! I'm not sure how long this will last, I suppose all babies are different. I hope it's soon for Alfies sake I can't imagine not being able to switch off to rest is very easy or fun. Poor baby.

In other news, my backside is causing me serious problems and I'd say I'm on the verge of depression with it all. I'm not coping with the pain at all and the fear of going to the loo is ridiculous. I spent last night in sheer agony again and I had to wait an hour before going back to bed because I was crying so hard I didn't want to wake Alfie or hubby. I then spent the remainder of the night with broken sleep because of the agony that follows having a BM (bowel movement). I was half tempted to call the NHS direct and the only thing that stopped me was fear of Alfie waking up mid phone call as hubby is on days and leaves for work at 4:45am.

I've taken paracetamol though it's not even touched the pain. I've read information on anal fissures and treatment for them. I've winced and doubled up in pain at passing wind. I'm exhausted with it all. I have almost finished the tube of cream I was prescribed and I've drained the bottle of lactulose, for all the good it did me. I've vowed to make myself an emergency appointment when hubby gets in from work. I'm going to tell the doctor just how badly this is affecting my life. Alfie is asleep now and I should be sleeping too but can't because of the pain. Daily tasks just aren't possible when I'm in this amount of pain. I'd rather go through child birth again.

It's been almost four months I've been suffering now, surely something else can be done now it's obvious the cream and stool softeners aren't doing anything. What with Alfies sleeping troubles and my "pain in the arse" (words of the bastard insensitive doctor making a joke of my suffering!) I can see hard times ahead. I'll let you know how I get on at my appointment.

Top Ten Tuesday - Reflux Tips

If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ll know that Alfie’s reflux has started to get worse for what reason I’m not sure but I thought I’d dedicate this weeks Top Ten Tuesday to Reflux.  Here goes:

1.       Buy a wedge for the moses basket/crib/cot – reflux is acid brining the milk back up from your baby’s tummy.  If you ever suffered with heartburn yourself, you know that it’s worse when you’re laid down.  It’s the same for babies.  Don’t prop the cot up on books or use towels etc. as the incline isn’t enough to make a difference and it’s not completely safe.  Specially made wedges are designed with the perfect incline for your baby.  I bought mine from this website

2.       Baby wear – I can’t stress enough how beneficial baby wearing is for you and baby.  It helps with bonding, it gives you free arms and best of all for babies suffering with reflux it keeps them in an upright position, close to you so they feel safe and comfortable.  I get my slings from Victoria the Sling Lady

3.       Buy muslin cloths in the bulk load – bibs are O.K but they aren’t big enough and when washing they take a lot longer to dry than muslin cloths.  You can even make your own if you’re handy with a sewing machine; just ensure the material is soft and light.

4.       With how severe Alfie’s reflux is, we carry two spare sets of clothes in the baby changing bag.  I say clothes but I mean all in ones (take up less space than t-shirt, trousers etc…) He’s sick quite severely with every feed and sometimes we’re just not quick enough with the muslin cloth.  You don’t want a baby who’s uncomfortable from being wet through with sick.  Yuck!

5.       Feed baby as upright as possible to aid gravity in keeping the acid and milk down.  If you’re breastfeeding I recommend speaking with a lactation expert or breastfeeding link worker for advice on positioning.

6.       Whether you’re at home or visiting a friend or family’s home – feed baby on a towel.  Put the towel under your bum and when it comes to winding or baby just throwing up on his/her own the furniture is covered.

7.       After feeding baby try not to lay them down immediately, keep them up right be it in a sling, swing or bouncer.  This gives the milk time to settle and digest and saves your baby from being unnecessarily uncomfortable.

8.       Try Gripe Water – Alfie suffered with really bad colic as well as reflux and the gripe water has warming properties to help bind the bubbles together making things less painful for baby.

9.       Keep baby in lose fitting clothes – no tight waistbands they only help compress baby’s tummy and push the acid up.

10.   Talk to your G.P. – If the reflux is getting worse or the medication you’re given doesn’t seem to be helping with your baby being uncomfortable speak to your doctor your baby may have severe reflux and need more or different medication or there could be another underlying problem such as Pyloric Stenosis.

Alfie has suffered with severe reflux from birth and is currently taking Gaviscon, Ranitadine and Domperidone.  He was also given Omeprazole for a period of time but the hospital asked us to give things a shot without them – this could be why his reflux seems to be causing him problems again.  If you’re not happy with the diagnosis or the medicine your doctor has given you, go back and back until you have it sorted for yours and your baby’s sake.

Yummy Mummy & Beautiful Babies: Baby Group/Meetup

Lovely readers, you’ll have to excuse any poor spelling or grammar or gibberish in this post as I was up every hour and sometimes every 30 minutes with Alfie last night.  That’s two nights in a row, tired is not even close!  It’ll be a short but sweet post, promise!

Lately, I have been feeling really isolated and lonely on the days that hubby is working during the day time or in bed because he’s working the night shift.  I have toyed with the idea of attending a mother and baby group but there doesn’t seem to be any around where I live and the groups that are a little further afield are full of people I’d rather not socialise with – I’m not a snob, honest!  For months and months I have been considering starting my very own mother and baby group/meet ups and last week a friend gave me the kick up the bum I needed when she suggested I start my own too.  So here I am blogging about it!

I posted on Twitter if anyone had any ideas or could help in anyway and I had two replies.  One from one of my best and closest friends, Jayne [her sister started her own group & Jayne designed the flyers…] and one from my friend Nikki who has just had a gorgeous baby girl a couple of weeks ago.  Nikki can’t currently drive due to having an emergency section but as soon as she is fit and well, we’re meeting for coffee [or in our case, hot choccy] with our beautiful bundles to discuss ideas and have a bit of a brain storm.  I’m looking forward to meeting a like-minded mummy!  Jayne is one of my most supportive friends and I know she will help me in any way I need with ideas etc. – she’s fab like that!  I also have another friend Adele who has offered to help if we need it.  The support means a lot ladies, for once I feel like I might be able to pull something off!

I’ve got a file on the laptop labelled Yummy Mummy & Beautiful Babies where all the ideas and planning will go [on my part at least] and already it has a few documents in it!  Ideally I’d like to have a baby group once a week or once every two weeks.  I need to do a lot of research and planning so hopefully by the time Nikki is recovered and ready to meet up I will have loads to discuss with her.  If there are any readers out there that have set up their own baby group, have any tips or ideas or information please leave a comment I’d be really grateful.  Having not attended a baby group myself before, I’m pretty new to it all!

Sleep deprived mamma

I'm starting this blog at 00:17am, let's see how long it takes me...

So I have literally just put Alfie down to sleep after feeding him. He woke up crying at around 11:30pm and it took me a few minutes to settle him. He went to sleep at 8:30pm but boy did he put up a fight! I'm annoyed to constantly hear that he should be sleeping through now because of his age, weight and feeding amounts. I've been told I should seek advice because he doesn't, been told to let him cry and been told not to feed him at night.

What a load of utter bollocks. Every single baby is different. The age, weight or size has nothing to do with them sleeping through. In fact, I know more babies older than Alfie that don't sleep through the night yet. They aren't designed to go for so long and why would anyone want to force them to by refusing to feed them and letting them cry?

I know I'll be up in a few hours time and Alfie will need a little "top up" or just a cuddle and while I am completely knackered and sleep deprived, I don't mind. I didn't have a baby and think for one minute he'd be a good sleeper. Alfie's reflux makes him a high demand, fussy baby but if he wasn't like that he wouldn't be Alfie so I wouldn't change him for the world.

I get a lot of people giving me terrible and (sometimes) cruel (in my opinion) "advice" about how to get Alfie to sleep longer. He isn't tired when he's awake or constantly grumpy so he is getting the right amount of sleep for him be that in day time naps or night time ones. The fact is, he is sleeping just not how other people perceive "normal" to be.

I bought a book in a moment of madness when Alfie was barely sleeping and he, hubby and I were sleep deprived. At first I drank in the authors every word and gave the "routines" a whirl. The set routines didn't last long as I didn't agree with the "techniques" which I never practiced from the start. The author promoted "spaced soothing" which in short means letting baby cry but going back and "shushing" when baby cries. The author advises not to go to baby until he is properly crying. The author also advises babies sleep alone from birth in their own room, they don't get cuddled or soothed to sleep under any circumstances and the baby is fed to a routine set by the book not the baby.

I must have been mad to buy such a book! What a load of bollocks sleep and feed training is. I much prefer the baby led way of doing things even if it means I'm tired. At least I know Alfie will never cry himself to sleep or get so worked up he can't sleep.

Now we do what Alfie wants. I know his sleep cues although sometimes he doesn't show any and goes from happy to screaming in 0.3 seconds! I'm not a fan of "training" babies, they aren't bloody dogs for goodness sake!

I'm knackered and sleep deprived and generally feel rough but Alfie is totally worth it all. So my advice to mummies who are knackered from lack of sleep at night is to go with it. Your baby crying is their way of communicating with you, you wouldn't ignore an adult waking you up for help why ignore a baby? Eventually your baby will learn to go to sleep by themselves, stay asleep for longer and generally sleep better throughout the day and night so keep with it.

Just remember all babies are different and no one knows your baby like you.

Sleep well mamma's and babies for as long or as little as you need xxx

Like a Bear With a Sore Arse

Pretty much what the post title is really.  If you’re squeamish or don’t like reading posts with TMI then I suggest you leave this page right now…go on bugger off and look at flowers or something.  For those of you that are hard, like a bit of TMI and are generally nosey buggers, keep on reading although I wouldn’t recommend you eat anything that looks like poo [yes Jayne that means my buns are out of the question…]

So a week and three days on from The Doctor Said It’s a Pain in the Arse post [that means I’m 15 weeks and 2 days post natal] and things are no better.  I’ve been using the headache cream religiously three times a day which can I just add is pretty difficult rubbing in some cream on something I can’t see.  Fucking hurts my head though [absorbed quickly hence headaches].  I’ve been taking the minging Lactulose three times a day and Fibregel sachets along side that!  I’ve increased my water intake and if I eat any more friggin’ fibre I’ll turn into a cereal!  The pain is becoming unbearable and as soon as I get the urge to go to the toilet, I start to sweat in sheer panic.  Excuse the pun but it really is shit.

Monday I waited 20 minutes longer than I wanted to but Alfie needed to be settled for his nap before I could go to the loo.  Toilet trips of “that” kind can take anything up to 30 minutes these days and with a crying baby it’s just not going to happen.  Once I settled him, I went to face my fear.  The pain was that bad it forced me to stand up on tip toes and grab onto the bath and towel rail.  I actually cried out “OWWW” in pain.  The neighbours probably thought I was giving birth again.  It wasn’t pretty.  It eventually came out and I was dripping in sweat and was in a very teary state, thankfully Alfie slept for a few hours.  I came downstairs and took paracetamol to help with the pain although I’m not sure why because it never seems to do anything.  That evening when Alan came home from work, I had a bath to help try and ease the pain.  I suffered with after pain for two days.

Last week, I had a bit of the runs [I usually do when I’m on my monthly] and you’d think this would make things easier for me as I thought too.  Bloody hell was I wrong!  I knew I was going to have the runs, I could “feel” it in my stomach.  I went to the loo feeling a little more optimistic that this would be less painful.  Oh how I wish I’d known what was in store for me, I should have been more prepared [towel for holding onto etc].  It came out, faster than I could handle [told you there was a lot of TMI] and it seemed to carry on forever.  Pretty much like I hadn’t been for a week.  The pain was excruciating.  It stung, burnt and felt like it tore all over again.  I was in agony for hours and hours afterwards.  And there was me thinking, the softer the poo the easier it’d be… you know less stretching and therefore less stretching of the tear… I couldn’t have been more wrong.

The pain today has been on a whole new level.  It now hurts like hell when I fart… big ones, small ones [some as big as yer head…you know you were thinking that!] silent ones… you name the fart and I can guarantee it hurts my arse.  So I’ve been in pain with it all day and then I needed to “go” so that just made things a whole lot worse and don’t even get me started on the blood!  This fissure is actually running my life at the moment.  I keep trying to get an appointment with a doctor who isn’t going to take the piss but it’s proving rather difficult and now she’s on bloody holiday!  I refuse to go see the other doctor and I’m not fond of locums.  I have been tempted on more than one occasion to call the out of hours doctors service to see if I drop on someone with at least some compassion.  Clearly the medication and cream isn’t working 15 weeks on… about time they pulled their fingers out of their not so painful arses and did something about it!

And to top it off, I’ve had my physiotherapy session today and basically I’m fucked!  The therapist did some manipulation on my back and pelvis and now I’m in agony [a common side effect].  I have to have physio every week.  So my arse is sore, my back and pelvis are fucked and my migraines are back.  Fucking wonderful.

Nursery Visits...

Monday and Tuesday this week Alfie, hubby and I have been to check out a couple of nursery’s for when I return to work next year.  I go back to work 9^th January 2012 so we needed to start our search early just in case places were limited or we didn’t like any.  Both nurseries we have been to are private run as opposed to the sure start government run ones.  No particular reason for this, we just don’t like the sure start nursery near us that’s all.  Rather than advertise the names of the nurseries they will be referred to as B & C.

Monday we went to visit nursery C.  As soon as I walked in and met the manager I instantly felt welcomed.  We were shown inside the “baby” room and talked through how they operate on a daily basis…3 babies to 1 carer ratio etc.  Nappies are provided which is great.  We were also given a tour of the rest of the nursery…toddler rooms and pre-school rooms.  The outside play area was small but for the amount of children it was certainly big enough.  They also take children out on walks etc. with pre gained permission from parents obviously.  All meals and snacks given to all children are healthy and babies who are bottle fed – formula or EBM (expressed breast milk) need to provide the bottles with milk every day.  Nursery C is flexible on times, ideally located and cost affordable.  We left the nursery feeling very positive and like we had already made our minds up…

Tuesday we visited nursery B.  We were shown round by the supervisor of the 0-3 room who was out of breath from playing with the older toddlers.  We went into the 0-3 room which was separated into sections…the bottom was for babies and on days there weren’t any babies in their care it was used for quiet time and stories so that the older children understood it was a “quiet area”.  There was a separate room with cots for nap times and babies are assigned a cot for the day.  Toddlers that nap after lunch had their beds changed immediately whilst babies had theirs changed at the end of the day.  Nappies were also provided at this nursery.  We were blown away by the outside playground… a fenced off area was specifically designed for babies not yet walking.  There was growing area, a gazebo for rainy day story time.  The nursery likes to get the children out at least twice a day, even in rain or snow which is pretty good.  Like nursery C, nursery B is flexible on times, ideally located and cost affordable.  We left this nursery feeling positive but stuck for choice…

We went straight to my MIL’s to visit before she heads off on holiday this weekend so we had plenty to think about over our many brews.  We ran over a bolt on the way there and burst our drivers side rear tyre but that’s another story!!!  While hubby was changing the tyre I was busy talking to MIL, feeding Alfie and contemplating our nursery visits.  On the way home hubby and I talked over the choices and what we liked about the nurseries.  In fact, there wasn’t anything we didn’t like about them.  They were both equally as good and the difference in cost was very slight, not enough to make me choose one over the other.  When putting the most precious thing in your life in someone else’s hands for a few hours, cost means nothing.  We discussed it over dinner but still there wasn’t a clear winner.  We preferred the playground of nursery B but the location was slightly better at nursery C – for me to get to if hubby was working (I can’t drive).

This morning a decision has been made!!!  We have chosen nursery B.  The main three reasons are the location actually is better than nursery C, the playground was better and a very close family friend works there.  The last reason wasn’t brought into consideration at first because at the end of the day Alfie may not even be assigned her as his play worker.  We also like nursery C because it works on a “password” collection… when collecting your child you MUST provide a password if you don’t know it under no circumstances will the child be allowed to leave the premises.  I liked the fact that Alfie will get to integrate with babies AND toddlers as the room is for 0-3years.  In nursery C, babies are with babies and at 1 they move up and so on… I liked the separate napping room which is monitored at all times.  The nursery also takes children out on trips.  Nursery C was definitely a contender but I think the garden in nursery B swung it slightly for us.

At the start of October I’ll give the nursery a call and arrange to go back to hand in the forms and the deposit to secure Alfie’s place from January 9^th 2012.  In an ideal world, I’d like to stay at home with him but if I want to give him everything he wants and needs and a few things besides then the extra income can’t hurt.  Plus, if hubby ever decides to change his mind about the second baby the money will come in handy…

The Conversation

Top Ten Tuesday is cancelled for this week, I have far more important things on my mind right now, like the conversation hubby and I had this weekend...

Hubby and I have a new routine in the evenings now, we actually sit down at the table and eat dinner together instead of sitting on separate sofas speaking the occasional word to each other and mostly playing on phones/laptops/watching television.  It wasn’t something we spoke about I just had his meal on the table for when he came home from work one night and it’s stuck!  It helps that I’ve taken it upon myself to find the cookery goddess in me and make some fantastic, scrummy meals [even if I do say so myself].

Sunday when hubby came home from work and I had made grilled chicken, vegetables and pasta.  It was [again even if I say so myself] delicious!  We had small talk: “How’s your day been”… “How was work”… “Feel better for that lay in this morning” and then I turned the conversation to baby talk.  I asked hubby how he felt about having another baby and his response was less than positive.  He doesn’t want another. Ever.  We joked around asking each other why we did/didn’t want another baby and kept trying to talk the other around to our way of thinking.  Neither of us budged.  He didn’t have a reason for not wanting another baby…he just doesn’t.  I reminded him of when we first got together and we decided we wanted a big family, he said after Alfie he just doesn’t want another.  We joked around and kept the conversation light hearted although we did ask the question if one wants another baby and one doesn’t…what happens in the future?  We chose not to answer that question.

After having Alfie I did have a short period of not wanting another baby…the pain of birth didn’t heal quickly for me and the trauma of all the early labour was still fresh in my head.  I have no doubt in my mind I was just in denial and was saying what hubby wanted to hear.  I regret ever saying it now.  Every time I look at Alfie it amazes me how much I love him and how much my love for him grows every day.  I know I could love another baby just as much as I love Alfie.  Boy or girl.  I would love them equally – more than anything in the whole wide world but I’d love them differently of course because they’d be different people.  I’d love them both just as much as each other though there’s no doubt in my mind about that.  Hubby agrees if another baby “accidentally” came along he would love him/her just as much as he loves Alfie but he still doesn’t want another.

I’m not sure how to feel after this revelation; I really thought he wanted another baby.  I thought he wanted Alfie to have a brother or sister to play with, fight with and to make memories with.  We need to talk about it again, we’ve agreed that much.  He said he may change his mind in the future but he honestly can’t see it happening.  So is that it?  Just Alfie then?  That makes me sound ungrateful or like Alfie isn’t enough but it isn’t that at all.  Having Alfie was the most magical, beautiful, life changing experience of my life and the love I feel for him is overwhelming – why wouldn’t I want to go through all that again?  It’s true what they say, you forget all the bad bits of pregnancy and birth and just remember the overwhelming wonderful feeling of holding your beautiful baby close and breathing in their newborn scent.  I’m not sure how the next conversation will pan out – I’m not going to try to persuade him to have another baby his heart has to be in it because otherwise it isn’t fair on the baby, hubby or me and Alfie.  I’d like to think he’s still traumatised from the pregnancy and birth of Alfie and that in a couple of years he’ll change his mind.  Who knows?

Dear So and So...My First

Dear Government,

Why is it that working parents have to fork out loads of money for childcare but the unemployed who have nothing to do other than watch Jeremy Kyle get free childcare?  I go back to work in January and will be paying over 100 quid a week.  Sort out your priorities.

Just Sayin, Amy

Dear husband of mine,

I’m really enjoying eating dinner at the table with you at night, I love the “no technology at the dinner table” rule we’ve got going on.  I’m enjoying cooking for you and seeing the satisfaction and shock on your face when you enjoy it.  I told you cooking was a hidden talent, I just kept it well hidden until now.  Oh but please stop leaving your t-shirts, socks and other items of clothing in the livingroom, kitchen and anywhere else other than your wardrobe or wash bin.  Contrary to popular belief, a clothes hunt is not my idea of fun.

Love, your brilliant wife

Dear my baby boys body clock,

If it’s you that’s stopping him sleeping and keeping him awake making him upset then stop it.  It’s no fun for either of us.  There’s only going to be one winner here and it won’t be you.

Love, the boys mummy




Dear K,

You're take take take all the time and the times I need you, you're never there.  You only bother with me when you want something and bitch at me when I can't give it to you.  You make promises you have no intention of keeping and you try to make me feel guilty for expecting you to.  It'd be nice if just once you'd keep your word but because you haven't once again me and my family suffer.  Please don't ask for my help again because after today, I'm done being a mug.

Let down again, Your Sister.

Dear Self,

Stop doubting yourself.  Stop thinking you can’t do something.  You’ve got everything you need to succeed in your head so give it a shot you might surprise yourself.  Stop listening to people who make you doubt yourself and start listening to those who support you.  Give yourself a chance, you won’t regret it.

In Your Head, Amy

Silent Sunday

Weaning - Day 1

Recently, Alfie has become a lot more unsettled and he seems very uncomfortable when he’s feeding.  I spoke to a doctor and my health visitor and both came up with the conclusion that his reflux is for some reason not being controlled as well by the medicines anymore.  This could be for many reasons, mainly his weight VS dosage.  I mentioned in a previous post that we were advised to wean Alfie earlier than 6 months for medical reasons; at first this really upset me as I wanted to wait until he was 6 months old however recently my opinion has changed.

Yesterday we gave Alfie his first taste of porridge and it’s safe to say he enjoyed it!  It was officially the first day of weaning him.  I understand some of you reading this will disagree completely with weaning before 6 months but for Alfie it’s just the right time.  Babies with reflux rarely get to 6 months on milk alone because it is so painful for them.  Pureed food is thicker and therefore easier to keep down.  I think until you go through a similar experience where your child is so unhappy and in pain you can’t understand.  I too was against weaning before 6 months until I was advised otherwise by a professional.

The plan is to give Alfie porridge after his morning feed for a week or two then we’ll introduce fruit and vegetables and eventually meat.  I plan on weaning him slowly so he can get used to the tastes and textures of the foods.  We’re hoping to stick to making the purees ourselves so I know exactly what he’s eating although there are certain brands I’ll use if needed such as Plum Baby.  I’m both excited and nervous about weaning him.  Mostly, the excitement is because I know in time he’ll feel so much better with the reflux easing off.  The nerves are because I’m a new mum and have no idea about weaning!  I’m following Alfie’s lead all the way on this and the fact that he was smiling eating his porridge tells me he enjoyed it  - that and he practically ate the spoon too!

My Demanding Baby

Since becoming a mummy one of my biggest annoyances is competitive parents and parenting.  Having a baby is a special and magical thing but at the same time it is extremely hard.  I have a friend who, when I talk to her about Alfie likes to tell me that her baby has slept through 10 hours for her.  She brags that he is fully weaned at only four months [she never breastfeed, personal choice] and she competes with other friends for whose baby will be the first to sit up unaided etc…  Why is there this need to compete?  Why are some mums so keen on telling other mums how they get their little one to sleep through the night?  Alfie doesn’t sleep through so automatically I’m doing something wrong or I should be doing something else?  When will people realise that babies are people and therefore they are all different. 

 

I hate hearing friends tell me I should “feed him up” before bed or drop the breastfeeding completely [we currently mix feed] because when they did, their baby slept through the night.  I am constantly told, I will “spoil” Alfie if I cuddle him every time he cries.  I completely and utterly disagree with controlled crying or crying it out techniques – this in my eyes is cruel.  I’m told I spoil him by co-sleeping.  I spoil him by taking his lead on pretty much everything.  How is it possible to spoil a baby with love?  What a load of rubbish.  Have these people not realised that each baby is different and that their “techniques” may not work for all babies?  I’m pleased that you’re getting your 8 hours sleep at night because your little one sleeps through but I’m more pleased that I’m only getting a few hours broken sleep because Alfie wakes up because it means I get to look at him and cuddle him more.

My friend has moved her four month old baby into his own room, already.  It is recommended that babies sleep in the same room as you until they are 6 months old.  Why would she want that separation from her baby sooner than is recommended?  I know that eventually Alfie will be in his own room but not until he is ready be it at 6 months or 12.  She doesn’t understand the concept of co-sleeping and often mocks me for doing it saying that I’ll never get my bed back.  I haven’t always co-slept although I wish I had had the confidence to from the start.  The midwives in the hospital didn’t let me sleep with Alfie on my chest and took him off me to put him in the crib whilst we both slept.  I was told not to pick him up to cuddle him if he was asleep.  I wish I hadn’t listened but that’s another blog post.  Everything I do, I do for Alfie.  I have found that co-sleeping means he is much easier to settle when he wakes up because he is close to me.  How is that bad?

The mothers who compete against each other for their child’s first steps, the first time they sleep in their own room, sleep through the night or use the potty are missing the point of those all important milestones.  It isn’t about how early your baby can do it, it’s the fact that they CAN do it – late or early it doesn’t matter.  Why would you want to compete against another parent for whose child will walk first?  If your child doesn’t walk first will you be disappointed?  Some parents are so set on their baby growing up they wish their lives away.  Why are they so interested in what other babies can do, isn’t their own baby enough to interest them?  I was elated that Alfie could sit up on his own for a few seconds at only 3 months but my first reaction wasn’t to text everyone to let them know – it was to take a photograph and make a mental note to put it in his baby book.

Alfie is and always has been a demanding baby – even throughout pregnancy he liked to keep me on my toes.  He doesn’t sleep through – waking at least twice a night on rare occasions but closer to the 3-4 times.  He won’t go to sleep unaided – he likes to be cuddled, rocked, nursed etc. to sleep.  He hates his car seat and travelling in the car and screams blue murder when we put him in – so much so I have been relegated to the back seat with him until he feels more comfortable with it.  Some days he hates his pram – other days he hates being carried.  He is constantly sick due to reflux and feeding times can be a nightmare despite the medication.  Sometimes, he is inconsolable unless you pick him up and cuddle him but you must be stood up or he cries.  Alfie is a demanding baby but he is my baby and I wouldn’t have him any other way. 

Sometimes he has days where he is a grumpy baby and other days he is all smiles.  He cries but he also laughs and smiles.  He doesn’t sleep through the night but he gets the right amount of sleep he does need and that’s what’s important.  He’s a demanding feeder but he gets what he needs to keep him healthy.  He hates car rides but he doesn’t mind so much if I’m there with him.  Sometimes it can be really difficult to settle him with cuddles, dummies, rocking or singing but once he is settled it is really easy to make him smile.  Some days Alfie is demanding and hard work but every day he is a pleasure to have and he makes every day so special.  I’m not interested that your child can sleep through the night or is already fully weaned or is sleeping in their own room…I follow the lead of my son and always will.  It’s about unconditional love and nurturing not competing and rushing.

Top Ten Tuesday - Excuses Excuses

Getting into the swing of my Top Ten Tuesdays now, got plenty of things I can write ten things about be it tips or otherwise.  This week I’m keeping it light hearted with top ten pregnancy excuses!  Pregnancy is a big excuse in itself but the top ten things I’ve used it for follow:

1.       I’m eating for two – OK so we all know that this isn’t true, you don’t eat for two and your calorie intake doesn’t need doubling when you’re pregnant but hey it’s a damn good excuse to have that cheeky desert after dinner!

2.       I need to go shopping – Not something you can get away with every day but when you’re pregnant you need to shop for clothes for yourself and your expanding waistline and for things for bubba – and if you treat yourself to a new handbag, it’s just a reward for all that waddling around the shops you’ve done!

3.       I can’t clean up - OK so medically you’re not ill but bloody hell it’s hard work carrying a baby around in your tummy, you don’t need to be on your feet any more than you have to.  Plus, loads of women get the nesting instinct in the last few weeks of pregnancy…hubby can do it ‘til then!

4.       I need a massage – Professional or a lovely back/foot rub from hubby is good.  You might not be aching but how can he argue with the woman carrying his child?!

5.       I need new shoes – I threw out most of my shoes before I got pregnant with Alfie because they’d seen better days but when my feet swelled at the end of pregnancy I got to replace a fair few pairs because the shoes I did have weren’t suitable for swollen feet.  Hello sexy sandals and cute shoe-pumps.

6.       I want to choose the film/what we watch on TV – when hubby is at work and you’re at home with bubba – you won’t have time to watch anything or you’ll be too tired to so you should get to do it before bubba arrives!  So what if you do get to watch TV whilst bubba is sleeping and you’re not tired/can’t sleep – hubby will be at work, how will he know!

7.       “Not tonight love” – Before if you weren’t in the mood for some cheeky between the sheets you’d have to feign a migraine but now you have a bump in the way – the laws of physics just won’t allow it.

8.       Let’s go out – Before bubba is born tell hubby you want to spend “quality time” together because it’ll be hard once your little one appears…it just so happens that the “quality time” is spent at the cinema watching a film of your choice followed by dinner at your favourite restaurant…

9.       Can you paint my toe nails, I can’t reach! This is a legitimate excuse; I really couldn’t reach my feet to paint my toe nails.  I didn’t need them doing but I was pregnant so hubby was putty in my hands – it only lasts for 9 months ladies make the most of it!

10.   I’m too tired to visit your mother – Best excuse ever if you’re not bothered about visiting your in laws – you’re growing a baby in there, it’s tiring work the last thing you want to do is go to your mother in laws house to hear about her latest cake creation and who’s having it off with who in the local pub.

These are just some of the excuses I used whilst I was pregnant, or at least thought about using.  Being pregnant is the most wonderful thing in the world but it can also be tiring and stressful, an excuse to get what you want now and then is innocent enough, I’m sure if men went through pregnancy and birth they’d be a LOT worse!

The doctor said it's a pain in the arse...

As I type this and in fact for the last fourteen-fucking-weeks I have been in intense, face scrunching pain and all the doctor could do was to make a joke about it being a “pain in the arse!”  Yeah, thanks for that, dickhead.  If you’ve read my birth blog you’ll know I had a fairly difficult labour, if you haven’t go read it and catch up or just take my word it wasn’t easy, not that labour is ever easy but you catch my drift.  And for the men out there who read this, imagine being kicked in the knackers a billion times and you’re not even close.

Fourteen weeks ago today I had my beautiful baby boy Alfie born on Monday 30^th May 2011 at 2:37AM weighing 8lb 8oz.  That’s when the “pain in the arse” my doctor so insensitively described started.  It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I got my diagnosis, I’d had a couple of doctors check me out but the pain was too bad for them to get a proper look.  If you’re wondering what the “pain in the arse” is…it’s an anal fissure.  For those who are unsure an anal fissure is a tear in/around the anal canal and in my case was caused by child birth.  That’s right people I tore my arse during labour.  Nice eh?  Basically it hurts most of the time but the pain is worse than child birth when I go for a number two and I really am not exaggerating.  It takes 20-30 minutes for me to “go” because of the pain and in that 20-30 minutes I sweat, I cry and I bleed, a lot.  Yep you can bleed from it.

So for fourteen-fucking-weeks I have been suffering with this fissure.  I was given some cream to put on it and some stool softener [Lactulose] to help make bowel movements “easier”.  The cream causes extreme headaches as soon as I use it because it is absorbed by the body that quickly.  The headaches last for about an hour or two and then fade away.  They’re bad enough to make me need to lay down – not easy with a fourteen week old baby.  The lactulose does sweet F.A. aside from maybe make me fart more.  I don’t drink enough during the day because Alfie can be so demanding at times and obviously dehydration can cause constipation.  A big hard shit is a bitch to pass with a fissure…I often cling on to the towel rail or bath whilst biting a towel [what a picture you have now!].  I’ve started to drink more water but it isn’t helping so I decided enough was enough and made another appointment with my doctor.

I went to see him today and explained I feel the fissure is getting worse and the amount of blood is definitely increasing.  I told him about the cream giving me headaches but apparently all creams for fissures will do this…it’s a common side effect.  He told me to keep taking the lactulose despite it doing bugger all and to continue with the cream.  The doctor told me there is nothing else they can do and it will get worse with each bowel movement.  He was concerned it had been going on for fourteen-fucking-weeks but not enough to do something.  Just so you know, a fissure that lasts more than 8 weeks is considered “chronic”.  You’re not chuffin’ kidding!  Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to argue with him because I was concerned for Alfie…he came out in a rash on his legs this morning and I was more concerned about that.

I’m lucky in that I have a friend to talk to who has gone through a similar experience and she suffered for a long time too but thankfully hers cleared up after 12 weeks.  I was hoping 12 weeks would be the magic number for me too but no fourteen-fucking-weeks later and still suffering.  As I type this, I could actually cry the pain is that severe.  The bleeding is awful – I bleed all over the bathroom trying to sort myself out and clean myself up.  Tonight was the last straw for me, I was in agony and all I could think of was the doctor joking about it being a right “pain in the arse”.  Hmm you’re not kidding mate.  The first time I saw him, he told me it was pretty bad and that it brought tears to his eyes so he couldn’t imagine how I felt.  I thought then that he understood.  How wrong was I?  He made the “pain in the arse” joke at my first appointment and he made it again today.  Very sensitive Doctor, thank you.

I have made the executive decision to book in with another doctor, a female one who will perhaps understand more or at least have the decency not to joke about my torn arsehole.  I am refusing to leave the office until I am taken seriously.  I have wrote this post half in jest because if I didn’t I’m damn near sure I’d cry.  The pain is terrible and unless you’ve suffered with it before, it’s hard to describe.  I don’t know eh, the things they don’t tell you about giving birth!!!!