The doctor said it's a pain in the arse...

As I type this and in fact for the last fourteen-fucking-weeks I have been in intense, face scrunching pain and all the doctor could do was to make a joke about it being a “pain in the arse!”  Yeah, thanks for that, dickhead.  If you’ve read my birth blog you’ll know I had a fairly difficult labour, if you haven’t go read it and catch up or just take my word it wasn’t easy, not that labour is ever easy but you catch my drift.  And for the men out there who read this, imagine being kicked in the knackers a billion times and you’re not even close.

Fourteen weeks ago today I had my beautiful baby boy Alfie born on Monday 30^th May 2011 at 2:37AM weighing 8lb 8oz.  That’s when the “pain in the arse” my doctor so insensitively described started.  It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I got my diagnosis, I’d had a couple of doctors check me out but the pain was too bad for them to get a proper look.  If you’re wondering what the “pain in the arse” is…it’s an anal fissure.  For those who are unsure an anal fissure is a tear in/around the anal canal and in my case was caused by child birth.  That’s right people I tore my arse during labour.  Nice eh?  Basically it hurts most of the time but the pain is worse than child birth when I go for a number two and I really am not exaggerating.  It takes 20-30 minutes for me to “go” because of the pain and in that 20-30 minutes I sweat, I cry and I bleed, a lot.  Yep you can bleed from it.

So for fourteen-fucking-weeks I have been suffering with this fissure.  I was given some cream to put on it and some stool softener [Lactulose] to help make bowel movements “easier”.  The cream causes extreme headaches as soon as I use it because it is absorbed by the body that quickly.  The headaches last for about an hour or two and then fade away.  They’re bad enough to make me need to lay down – not easy with a fourteen week old baby.  The lactulose does sweet F.A. aside from maybe make me fart more.  I don’t drink enough during the day because Alfie can be so demanding at times and obviously dehydration can cause constipation.  A big hard shit is a bitch to pass with a fissure…I often cling on to the towel rail or bath whilst biting a towel [what a picture you have now!].  I’ve started to drink more water but it isn’t helping so I decided enough was enough and made another appointment with my doctor.

I went to see him today and explained I feel the fissure is getting worse and the amount of blood is definitely increasing.  I told him about the cream giving me headaches but apparently all creams for fissures will do this…it’s a common side effect.  He told me to keep taking the lactulose despite it doing bugger all and to continue with the cream.  The doctor told me there is nothing else they can do and it will get worse with each bowel movement.  He was concerned it had been going on for fourteen-fucking-weeks but not enough to do something.  Just so you know, a fissure that lasts more than 8 weeks is considered “chronic”.  You’re not chuffin’ kidding!  Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to argue with him because I was concerned for Alfie…he came out in a rash on his legs this morning and I was more concerned about that.

I’m lucky in that I have a friend to talk to who has gone through a similar experience and she suffered for a long time too but thankfully hers cleared up after 12 weeks.  I was hoping 12 weeks would be the magic number for me too but no fourteen-fucking-weeks later and still suffering.  As I type this, I could actually cry the pain is that severe.  The bleeding is awful – I bleed all over the bathroom trying to sort myself out and clean myself up.  Tonight was the last straw for me, I was in agony and all I could think of was the doctor joking about it being a right “pain in the arse”.  Hmm you’re not kidding mate.  The first time I saw him, he told me it was pretty bad and that it brought tears to his eyes so he couldn’t imagine how I felt.  I thought then that he understood.  How wrong was I?  He made the “pain in the arse” joke at my first appointment and he made it again today.  Very sensitive Doctor, thank you.

I have made the executive decision to book in with another doctor, a female one who will perhaps understand more or at least have the decency not to joke about my torn arsehole.  I am refusing to leave the office until I am taken seriously.  I have wrote this post half in jest because if I didn’t I’m damn near sure I’d cry.  The pain is terrible and unless you’ve suffered with it before, it’s hard to describe.  I don’t know eh, the things they don’t tell you about giving birth!!!!