I don't feel me

Tomorrow is the day of Alfie's Welcome to the World party - our own version of a naming ceremony/ christening. I'm really looking forward to it but dreading it at the same time. Here's why...

Three years ago I had a boob job [don't worry, Jordan I ain't!] to help boost my confidence after years and years of suffering with low self esteem and confidence. It worked, I was a new girl/woman/person. Had it not been for my boob job I wouldn't have met my husband or had my beautiful boy Alfie so for me suffering and overcoming it all was fate.

Now, three years on I seem to be suffering with the same issues I was when I was a teenager except there is no specific thing making me suffer. I don't hate my body or face anymore but I don't love them either. They're just OK. My body isn't the problem. Nor is the way I look. Now it's how I feel. I can't explain it. I just don't feel confident in myself anymore.

Today we were shopping for bits and bobs for Alfie's party and I was walking round the shops with my hands wrapped around myself, slumped over and thinking everyone was looking at me. It wasn't the nicest shopping trip, let me tell you. I felt self really, scarily self conscious for the first time in a very long time. I didn't know how to handle it. At one point I was close to tears.

My wonderful hubby treat me to a new outfit to cheer me up which was lovely and I love my new things but I still didn't and don't feel right. We went out for tea with friends and whilst I enjoyed every minute of it, I still struggled feeling me. The only time a negative thought DIDN'T cross my mind was when I was playing with Alfie or feeding him.

I know a lot of you will probably put this down to PND [post natal depression] but I promise you it's not. I'm not depressed. I just feel a bit unsure of myself. No one reason contributes to this I just literally woke up feeling wrong. The usual banter type jokes from hubby now sting. I question myself constantly. I worry I'm not good enough. I feel inadequate. I feel ugly. I feel strange. I don't feel me.

I should probably mention, I'm on my period so very hormonal! It's probably just a phase. It'll probably pass without me even realising. I just feel so uneasy feeling this way again after so long.