The Conversation

Top Ten Tuesday is cancelled for this week, I have far more important things on my mind right now, like the conversation hubby and I had this weekend...

Hubby and I have a new routine in the evenings now, we actually sit down at the table and eat dinner together instead of sitting on separate sofas speaking the occasional word to each other and mostly playing on phones/laptops/watching television.  It wasn’t something we spoke about I just had his meal on the table for when he came home from work one night and it’s stuck!  It helps that I’ve taken it upon myself to find the cookery goddess in me and make some fantastic, scrummy meals [even if I do say so myself].

Sunday when hubby came home from work and I had made grilled chicken, vegetables and pasta.  It was [again even if I say so myself] delicious!  We had small talk: “How’s your day been”… “How was work”… “Feel better for that lay in this morning” and then I turned the conversation to baby talk.  I asked hubby how he felt about having another baby and his response was less than positive.  He doesn’t want another. Ever.  We joked around asking each other why we did/didn’t want another baby and kept trying to talk the other around to our way of thinking.  Neither of us budged.  He didn’t have a reason for not wanting another baby…he just doesn’t.  I reminded him of when we first got together and we decided we wanted a big family, he said after Alfie he just doesn’t want another.  We joked around and kept the conversation light hearted although we did ask the question if one wants another baby and one doesn’t…what happens in the future?  We chose not to answer that question.

After having Alfie I did have a short period of not wanting another baby…the pain of birth didn’t heal quickly for me and the trauma of all the early labour was still fresh in my head.  I have no doubt in my mind I was just in denial and was saying what hubby wanted to hear.  I regret ever saying it now.  Every time I look at Alfie it amazes me how much I love him and how much my love for him grows every day.  I know I could love another baby just as much as I love Alfie.  Boy or girl.  I would love them equally – more than anything in the whole wide world but I’d love them differently of course because they’d be different people.  I’d love them both just as much as each other though there’s no doubt in my mind about that.  Hubby agrees if another baby “accidentally” came along he would love him/her just as much as he loves Alfie but he still doesn’t want another.

I’m not sure how to feel after this revelation; I really thought he wanted another baby.  I thought he wanted Alfie to have a brother or sister to play with, fight with and to make memories with.  We need to talk about it again, we’ve agreed that much.  He said he may change his mind in the future but he honestly can’t see it happening.  So is that it?  Just Alfie then?  That makes me sound ungrateful or like Alfie isn’t enough but it isn’t that at all.  Having Alfie was the most magical, beautiful, life changing experience of my life and the love I feel for him is overwhelming – why wouldn’t I want to go through all that again?  It’s true what they say, you forget all the bad bits of pregnancy and birth and just remember the overwhelming wonderful feeling of holding your beautiful baby close and breathing in their newborn scent.  I’m not sure how the next conversation will pan out – I’m not going to try to persuade him to have another baby his heart has to be in it because otherwise it isn’t fair on the baby, hubby or me and Alfie.  I’d like to think he’s still traumatised from the pregnancy and birth of Alfie and that in a couple of years he’ll change his mind.  Who knows?