This time last year: Part 1

This time last year I was discussing with hubby the pending arrival of our baby boy. I had been in early labour at 27 weeks and had it stopped with a drug and from then on I was in hospital with slow labour pretty much every other week.

This time last year I was 41 weeks pregnant. I'd had my second sweep done by a lovely midwife at my house. She was positive something would start soon. I wasn't buying it, we'd been told this in previous weeks when my contractions were off the charts. They tailed off, they always did. She said she had given me a "good going over" - her words, not mine. I wasn't confident I'd be meeting my baby boy any time soon.

Little did I know my waters would break the following day...

Bootcamp Days 9 and 10

I have been terrible at keeping my food diary this week. I've had a lot on my mind and whilst I've stuck to the diet and training plan my heart and head have been elsewhere. Yesterday was a day I'd rather forget so let's start a fresh with day 10:

Breakfast: Smoothie
Lunch: Salad
Dinner: Jacket potato with salad
Snacks: a hand full of nuts this morning

I have the work out to do when I get home from work. I'm still aching from the last one!

Nursery Drop Off Shenanigans

Hubby left for work at 4:45am this morning meaning I had to get Alfie to nursery and all the bits in between. We usually start off the day (today it was 6:30am) with a bottle of milk (for Alfie) and a cuddle on the sofa whilst watching whatever's on CBeebies. We have a little play then we fight whilst I dress him (must take after his mummy and prefer to be in the buff!), we play some more then we brush our teeth and head off to nursery...then I'll come home and sort myself out for work.

This morning started out like that...I left him to play whilst I put some clothes on to drop him off at nursery. Alfie is at the stage where he's into everything so I really don't like leaving the room for too long so I shoved my jeans and a vest top on and off I went. We had 15 mins in the garden thanks to the glorious weather and luck was on my side in that the neighbour I flashed a few weeks ago (because of a scary encounter with a spider) wasn't in the garden...thank the lord I'd missed him again!

7:55 came and we set off for nursery. It's just up the road from us so I didn't bother with the pram I just carried Alfie in my arms. Usually we're the first to arrive at nursery but today because of our little bit of time in the garden we were the 3rd to arrive. We were behind Audi dad and another dad I haven't seen before.

We took our little ones in and were saying our goodbyes. I passed Alfie over to the nursery nurse and he decided to keep hold of my top. In full view of Audi dad and new dad (and the 3 nursery staff) down came my top and out popped my (very pert thanks to the boob job) bra covered breasts. Thankfully I had a nice bra on (gotta see the brighter side of things!) but since having Alfie I've gone up a cup size and the bra in question was a cup size too small leaving little to the imagination.

Clearly I was embarrassed and promptly removed Alfies gripping hand from my top and pulled it back up. I'm not sure if it was out of shock, jest or what but rather than turning away and leaving me to deal with my embarrassment alone, Audi dad said "whoops-a-daisy!"....

Fucking whoops-a-daisy? Seriously? I flashed my scantily clad chest and he said whoops-a-daisy? Holy shit I'm never going to be able to look him in the eye again. He's probably told aaaallll his colleagues and male friends and before you know it I'll be known as "tits McGee" or something to that effect (yknow like I've nicknamed him Audi dad). Brilliant. I've got to do the pick up later too!

Ah well, at least I've got a nice pair ;-) always looking on the bright side!

Bootcamp Day 8

Yesterday was a busy day so the work out was a late one and it was a killer. They're certainly getting more intense and I ache in places I never knew could ache this morning! Ouch! All worth it though!

My food:

Breakfast: Veggie stir fry (yes you read correctly, this was my brekki!)
Lunch: Jacket potato with side salad
Dinner: Rice and steamed veg

A game of hide & seek

This was me before I got pregnant with Alfie.  I think you'll agree I had to have had some bollocks to do this shoot and this was pretty "tame" for me.  I've done a lot of implied nude, boudoir and other such shoots with different photographers...Once upon a time I had bollocks, gumption, guts...whatever you want to call it...I had confidence.

I want to feel like this again, I don't mean have the exact same figure again 'cause lets face it after having a baby your figure is never the same again.  Up until a couple of weeks ago apart from a couple of "niggles" I still felt like I had the bollocks to do this again.  I even talked about doing another "one off" shoot...and now?  Now I can't seem to find the confidence to even TALK to some people or to ask a question never mind taking my bloody kit off for a couple of hours in front of a camera!

Once upon a time, I had confidence.  Then one day, it decided to run away and play a long game of hide and seek.  Let me know if you happen to see it won't you?  I quite liked having gumption.

A Night Off

Last night was the worst night I've had with Alfie in ages. I'd say "we" had a bad night considering hubby was home but that's a sore subject. I'm knackered and I look even worse than usual which is rubbish considering my achievement on Bootcamp at Home. He was up all night and I think I've had about 4 hours of broken sleep. Yuck!

I've been thinking about this for a while but I always put it to the back of my mind because I feel so selfish. Thinking it just makes me feel guilty. Then this morning, something clicked and I realised I'm important too. What am I getting at I hear you ask??? I want a bloody night off! A night off all to myself that doesn't involve my hubby or Alfie. A night away to be blunt.

I love my baby boy more than words could possibly express and by getting a night off, I don't mean from him. I mean a night to myself. It's not the same. If I went anywhere even just for a night I'd miss him like crazy but it'd do me good. I'd feel a lot better for it and I know he'd be in good hands and well looked after.

My ideal night off? Dinner somewhere nice with good company, maybe a couple of drinks followed by a night in a hotel with a big bath tub. I could have uninterrupted sleep without a snoring, clumsy, pillow steeling husband. I could wake up naturally or to my 7:30am alarm - see I wouldn't be lazy!!!

Selfish? Maybe.

Do I deserve it? Definitely.

So get emailing the hotel reservations over to me, yeah? ;-)

Bootcamp Day 7

It's been a week since my first measurements and since I started my 28 day bootcamp journey. I won't lie and tell you it's been easy because it hasn't but I also won't exaggerate how hard it's been. The hardest thing has been believing I can do it; I've had to really get my head around a complete lifestyle overhaul but once I got stuck in and realised I could do it, things got easier and temptations became fewer and further between.

Today we had to take our measurements again. I was a little worried that I wouldn't have lost or I'd have put on. I have no idea why I had so little faith in myself when I've stuck to the plan like a demon. So without further ado here are my latest measurements:

Bust: 32" (2" loss)
Waist: 27" (2" loss)
Umbilical: 31.5" (1.5" loss)
Hips: 35" (1" loss)
Right thigh: 20" (1.5" loss)
Left thigh: 20.5" (1.5" loss)

Please feel free to applaud all my hard work! I know I did when I eventually got the courage to check the differences! So chuffed with myself and the results have spurred me on to continue the hard work next week! The work outs are really tough but by the last week I'll no doubt be able to hammer them ;-)

So my meals are all planned and prepped for today...

Breakfast: Melon
Lunch: Roast chicken and steamed veg
Dinner: Veggie stir fry
Snacks: Nuts (if needed)

I'm at my mother in laws house today who owns a baking business and the house is always filled with baked goodies but temptation is taking a back seat today because there's no way I'm ruining my results!

Bootcamp Day 6

Yesterday was a productive day on the bootcamp diet! I managed 2 fairly long walks with Alfie in tow in the pram, hills and all! It was his cakey baby photo shoot which was amazing and deserves a whole post to itself when I get time.

Ok Saturday 19th May, day 6 of bootcamp at home went like this:

Breakfast: Grapes and nuts
Lunch: M&S salad (I was in town)
Dinner: Bootcamp fried rice
Snacks: None

Didn't drink enough yesterday at all so felt a little head achy towards the end of the day but alls good in the hood now I'm suitably hydrated.

Bootcamp Day 5

Day 5 of bootcamp went well, spent the morning at work, afternoon with my little family and the evening killing myself with the work out! All was good though and meals went like this:

Breakfast: Melon and grapes
Lunch: Egg salad
Dinner: Roast chicken with new potatoes and lots of veg
Snacks: None! Check me out!

Today is Alfie's Cakey Baby photo shoot with my friend Adele at Blue Lights Photography (www.bluelightsphotography.co.uk) sorry I can't link her properly, I'm blogging from the blogger app on my phone! I may crave cake but I promise I won't touch a crumb!

Bootcamp Day 4

I'm afraid this post won't be a positive one so I'll keep it as short as I can to avoid boring you with my whining. I've had a really rather rubbish day and it's not something that's going to get solved any time soon which has put me on even more of a downer. I've wanted chocolate, crisps and coffee a day all because I'm feeling "that road out" as my nanna in law would say.

I haven't strayed and food-wise I've managed to stick to the diet really well. I came home to have lunch with the hubby considering he's been off work and I thought it might cheer me up a bit. Fluid wise I haven't drank no where near enough. I haven't had my usual lemon and hot water or 2l bottle if water at work. I don't even think I've drank 0.5l which is terrible even if I wasn't taking part in bootcamp.

I've posted on the private bootcamp group and told them about my rubbish day and not drinking enough. I'm so glad I did because pretty much straight away I got a positive outlook from someone else and it put me in the right frame of mind again. Support definitely plays a big part of bootcamp for me, it's invaluable to succeeding or feeling like you can do it.

So, today's meals went a little like this:

Breakfast: Banana and grapes
Lunch: Jacket potato (plain) with salad
Dinner: Chicken stir fry
Snacks: Nuts (probably too many but have removed them from my desk now)

So I'm going to sign off now and go drink some water and probably do some more venting (moaning) about my bad day.

Staying positive isn't easy but it is achievable with a little effort.

Bootcamp Day 3

Ouch, ouch and ouch!!! I'm posting this from the comfort of a nice hot bath as I ache from top to toe! Yes it's a sign that the work outs are working but bugger me I didn't realise I was so unfit! So, you're getting a blog post from a wet and naked me...enjoy!

Today was the second work out, Monday being the first. I have decided that burpees and push ups are my arch enemy! I hate them with a burning passion but by the end of the 28 days of bootcamp I plan to have conquered them and made them my bitch! For now though, I will continue to screw up my face and shudder at the sheer mentioning of them!

I work sat at a desk all day so as Nikki advised I got up and moved about at every opportunity to avoid ceasing up!! No one has said anything at work but I'm pretty sure I'm walking funny so it's only a matter of time before the "John Wayne" jokes start rolling my way.

Today's meals went a little like this:

Breakfast: Grapes and a few nuts
Lunch: Egg salad
Dinner: Bootcamp burger (peppered) with new potatoes and salad
Snacks: Banana

I think I'm settling into the diet fairly well now although the real trial comes in just over a weeks time when it's Alfie's birthday party! The plan is to make lots of things I can have prior to the party or even eat my lunch before people arrive as no doubt I'll be too busy entertaining to eat.

So day three is almost down and only another 25 to go. I can do it!

Bootcamp Day 2

Day 2 of bootcamp but not much to report other than I managed to yet again decline coffee and cake at work. I have more will power than I thought! Go me! It's definitely a mind over matter thing when it comes to eating; I've been craving things I can't have but I know I'm only craving them because they're "not allowed" so I'll just have to get over it. There are 3 chocolate covered raisins in a jar in my desk that have been calling my name and my heart keeps telling me, "surely three won't hurt..." but my head is telling me "yes they will! Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" so no chocolate raisins for me then.

Meals today have been pretty yummy to say I'm on a detox diet. Think I'm over doing it with the nuts as a snack though so must cut down on that tomorrow.

Breakfast: banana omelette and a quarter of a small melon

Lunch: Potato salad and two boiled egg (no dressings of any kind, don't like them even if they were allowed!)

Dinner: Chicken risotto (made with vegetable stock only)

There's no training to do tonight, it's a days rest thankfully. I thought this morning perhaps I'd slacked on the Day 1 fitness test because I didn't ache...no the aching came this afternoon at work. Not the terrible, can't move aching but enough to know I've done some exercise. My poor body doesn't know what's hit it! It'll be worth it in the end though when I can wear the clothes I want and feel good about it!

Getting teased at work a little for even considering dieting. Not in a bad way, their reasoning is that I don't need to do it, I'm fine as I am. Slim enough so to say. None of them have seen me naked. You have though, if you've followed my blog for some time. When the results are in, if I feel like I have achieved what I want to I'm treating myself to a new outfit.

I'm off for a much needed bath now to help me relax after a long day at the office!

Bootcamp Day 1

If you know me personally or follow me on Twitter, you'll know this month I have decided to take part in bootcamp at home with Foxy Fitness  I've known Nikki a good few years now and I trust her completely when it comes to fitness and nutrition so thought sod it, let's go for it!


My reasons for joining boot camp? I want to lose the baby weight, feel confident in what I look like, be healthier and feel good about myself.


My goals?
To get back to the size I was before I had Alfie.
To feel confident to wear a bikini and not a structured (horrible) swimming cossy
To be able to wear the white top (shows a bit of skin) I've always loved


Today is day 1 of bootcamp, below are my before statistics and photos:

Measurements:

                               Bust 34"
                               Waist 29"

                               Umbillical 33"

                               Hips 36"

                               Right thigh 21.5"

                               Left thigh 22"

Day 1 Nutrition:   

                              Breakfast: Berry smoothie made with almond milk and berries

                              Lunch: Tuna Salad

                              Snacks: Nuts
                              Dinner: Chicken stir fry

                              Drinks: 2 cups of hot water with lemon and 3 litres of water.

Just done the first work out and I'm knackered so I'm off to watch some rubbish TV followed by a bath and early to bed!

Day 1 conclusion: Hard work mentally and physically.

Working Mamma

I've been sat here staring at a blank page for a while now.  I think I have writers block...not that I'm a writer as such but you get my drift.  I have so much to blog and think about lately it's hard knowing what to write first!

I suppose I'll start with my recent facebook status...I've made the decision to return to work full time in June.  It was touch and go whether I would go back to work at all at one point so to have made the decision to return full time is a big, big thing for me.  I feel positive about returning to full time work, I enjoy my job and the company I work for are really, really good employers.  Don't get me wrong, I feel sad that I'll see a little less of Alfie but needs must and all that.  I need to work for me, I want to DO something with my life.  I was never allowed to go to college or university because my mum couldn't afford to "keep" me; so at the tender age of 16 I got myself a full time admin job.  If I'd have had the choice, I would have gone to university to study English Literature or some kind of science.  Hey ho, what can you do?!

I'm hoping that in a couple of years time, I can progress to the next level of my job.  I've already started to learn bits and bobs of the job, mainly to be able to help more at busy times and when my colleagues are off for whatever reason.  I was a little upset to find out I'm not supposed to be learning some key things because my boss doesn't want me doing CSE duties when I don't get paid for it.  I completely understand where she's coming from but I think I could at least be taught these things and told not to put them into practice unless I'm covering or whatever.  I don't know I just hate being held back - not that I'm purposely being held back or anything because I'm not.  I really ought to be telling this to my boss but I just don't have the bottle - I don't want to get knocked back like I did in my previous job.

I'll see how it goes until June and then ask for a review or something.  I've started to compile a list of things I want to learn...I can't see me getting a negative reaction, I mean I'm showing willing and enthusiasm that's gotta count for something, right?

Party Planner

I reckon I must be mad; I'm throwing Alfie a party for his 1st birthday.  We originally decided the guest list and party would be extremely low key but it has some how gradually expanded!  Not only do I now have to think about feeding the guests, I also need to entertain them - especially the little ones (nieces, nephews and close friends children)  I've told everyone I'm making the cake too. I must be a bloody idiot.

My friend Jayne of Pink Sweetheart is making the invitations which are to be super special - please take a look at her Folksy shop.  The party is having a "Hungry Caterpillar" theme because I love the book and I think it's a really easy, fun and colourful theme to go with.  I've even got a dedicated Pinterest board - Party Ideas!  I think I'm secretly liking the organisation of it all and to be fair I'm really, really excited about my boys first birthday and I want to make it memorable.  He may not remember any of it but at least we can show him the photographs and bits and bobs that we keep from the day that show him what a lovely day he's had.

The cake is my main concern - I have only ever baked ONE cake and only ever decorated THREE so this is a real challenge.  Both my mother in law and sister in law are cake experts - it's their "business" if you like and both of them want part in making it for him but I have decided I want to do it myself.  I want to learn the art of cake decorating and I want to be able to tell Alfie in years to come that mummy made his birthday cakes.  Any tips from brilliant cake experts welcome!

There.  A much more cheerful post ready for the weekend.

Enjoy x

What a day.

I'm sat here writing this on the blogger app whilst I feed Alfie his bedtime bottle. Not a great thing to be doing during the bedtime "routine". I should be reading a story or singing him a song; interacting with him in some way. No wonder he doesn't like me. Yes, you read correctly; my 10 and a half month old doesn't like me or at least it doesn't feel like he does. I'm not sure where I've gone wrong with it all.

Alfie has always been a "high demand" baby but it's becoming apparent that it's just around me. Take today for example: I have had him all day because it's my day off work and hubby is at work. Alfie has refused breakfast, lunch and now dinner from me and it's not the first time either. He cries regardless of my actions, I tried playing with him this morning but he just cried more. I picked him up for a cuddle he fought me and cried some more. I offered him milk, his favourite snacks and a drink but the tears just continued. I changed his bum just in case it was that bothering him which made him cry harder (hates getting dressed and his bum changing). I sang to him, I shushed him and still there were tears. Hubby came down and all of a sudden the tears disappeared. It's not the first time it's happened like that either. He even prefers my friends over me, going to them for cuddles and to play and he just ignores me unless I have something he wants.

I mean if that isn't enough of a hint that he doesn't like me, I don't know what is. I've sat and thought about it before. Today has been one of those days where Alfie hasn't been very happy at all and I can't help but think its my fault. I've googled "my baby doesn't like me" but the answers on the forums are just airy fairy "oh it's not you they can sense your stress" or "maybe he's just tired." BLAH BLAH BLAH... Fuck off.

I love my son more than I can possibly say. He is my entire world so you can imagine I feel pretty shitty about the whole situation. I don't know what else to do but it's clear what I'm doing now isn't good enough.

Long time no see...

I've just had a good old chin wag with Siri...he's not that friendly though and to be honest I think he's a bit of a snob.  Can't you tell I'm home alone tonight?!  Hubby is on nights.  I've been toying with the idea for starting to blog again but I know in a few weeks, maybe months time I'll give it up as a bad job but for now, it'll have to do.  I need somewhere to vent and having no one to talk to means I'm aiming it onto my screen.  Again.  I'm sorry for being so fickle blogger, it's just how I roll please don't take offence.

See?  Not even a paragraph in and I feel like I have no mojo.  What the fuck is all that about?  I always think about things and they sound good but as soon as it comes to getting them out they sound stupid and my brain turns to mush.  I hear thats a side effect of having a baby.  On the subject of babies, I'd like to point out that at this moment in time my perfect, wonderful little boy is sleeping soundly in his cot *touches wood* and at the moment he is the only thing that makes sense in this crazy ol' world.  O.K. maybe not the only thing; chocolate, that makes sense too!

I've deleted a load of posts that meant fuck all. The main ones that I want to keep are about my journey with Alfie and being a mum and a family.  This time around, I'm going to try and blog about things that matter, none of this A-Z, 30 days 30 posts jazz - don't get me wrong I love reading them but writing them is a complete ball ache and I never get to the end of them!  I will probably take part in #SilentSunday and the such like though because they're easy and nice and quick.  We like quick.

I'm bucking up the courage already to write my next post, it'll be close to the heart and so close to home it's in my bed.  I'm bracing myself for how I'm going to word it, will I be 100% honest and just bare all or will I keep the most important details to myself and end up bottling things up?  Probably the latter if I know myself, which I'd like to think I do.  I hope this time around on the old blog I can open up for real and say it as it is.  A brick's a brick, a spade's a spade and all that jazz.  And if I've nowt honest and real to say then I'll just keep my kite (Barnsley slang for face/mouth) shut.

So...here I am. Again.  Lets hope it works out this time.  I really think I need it to.


LAST MINUTE EDIT: Oh and one more thing - no scheduling posts this time around.  I'm not important or busy enough to schedule posts and quite frankly...the post loses momentum the day it's eventually posted and I'm already onto the next drama.  So yeah.  Give up with being organised because it's just not how I roll.