So 20 minutes after typing the first paragraph Alan is feeding Alfie. He does think it’s unfair because I’m already awake. He doesn’t say anything but his face is less than impressed and his tone of voice even more so. I feel kind of bad but he’s working all week – these moments I get to myself even for just half an hour are so precious and few and far between I grab them when I can. Not that I want to be away from Alfie but there are things I need to do that I can’t always do with Alfie. Blogging isn’t a necessity I am fully aware of that and Alan probably thinks I’m being selfish but getting it down “on paper” helps keep me sane. Alan and I argued yesterday morning and it wasn’t nice. There weren’t any raised voices or harsh tones but the things that were said weren’t nice on either part. Neither of us meant what we said, well I didn’t anyway. Lack of sleep is to blame again. A trip to the coast sorted us out though, that is until now anyway…
When Alfie woke, I made his bottle and sorted his medicines for the day. I set the bottle next to Alan and said I’d try Alfie with breast first but if he wouldn’t take it then Alan would have to feed him. Dirty look. I changed Alfie and he was quite content an ideal time to put him on the breast I thought. We sat on the sofa and I opened my feeding app on my I phone ready to go. At first Alfie wouldn’t latch on – he was far too concerned with smiling and gurgling at me (or talking to me as I say) so we had a little conversation before he latched on. He was calm and relaxed, a rarity these days with feeding – especially breastfeeding. Perfect I thought. 3 minutes in and the squirming began. Pulling off and fidgeting. Latching back on. Crying. I gave it a couple more minutes then tried him on the left breast – this seems to be his favourite side. The plan was to let him feed then when taking a break to switch back over to the right. The latch was short lived and Alfie became increasingly frustrated. I gave him his medicine and told Alan he would have to feed Alfie. Please? I thought he nodded at me but as I stood up, he was snoring again. Arsehole. I woke him and apparently he hadn’t heard me ask him to feed Alfie. Maybe I’d heard wrong? Maybe he was wishful thinking I’d leave him asleep? I passed Alfie over to Alan. Dirty look. I passed Alan a bib. Dirty look. I do feel bad but I’m not the only parent in the house capable of feeding Alfie. It would be completely different had Alfie been exclusively breastfed. Part of the reason I think Alan is so supportive over the restarting breastfeeding is because he knows there’s only me that can do it.
It would seem Alfie is bitting and batting this morning – 40/50 ml. Sleep. Wake. 40/50ml. Sleep. Wake. Vicious circle and I read somewhere he is cluster feeding? Apparently a habit I really should try and get him out of for all our sakes. Little bugger. I have come to the conclusion that like myself Alfie is high maintenance. Has been pretty much since conception [see pregnancy posts] so why would he change at birth? More wishful thinking on my part I believe. Alfie’s bitting and batting frustrates Alan. Not in a way that he shouts or becomes angry with Alfie he is just frustrated with him. I tell him off for this all the time – babies sense their parents mood and I don’t want Alfie feeling unsettled because of our bad moods.
Anyway, I have totally moved away from the subject of this blog post although I feel it necessary not only to get it out but to give more depth into what I am about to write. As you know if you have been following my blog I’m trying to restart breastfeeding. Trying being the operative word here. We are struggling immensely. This is partly my fault for probably not trying hard enough when we have had bad days or I have been exhausted from Alfie waking every hour in the night and day and having to do it all alone because Alan has been at work. I feel like I am failing and to type the word failing breaks my heart and my eyes are welling up. I am so desperate for this to work. I have the double pump I have borrowed from the breastfeeding support team but with Alfie’s fussiness during the day and night finding the time isn’t east. I promise this isn’t an excuse, I barely have time to drink a glass of water [and this shows in the colour of my wee lately!] let alone sit down on my own and express. I try Alfie on the breast before each feed – sometimes he will feed for a good 30 minutes but still want topping up with formula. I don’t mind this so much because at least I know he is getting some goodness from breast milk. Most of the time though he will feed for a few minutes 5/10 if I’m lucky then become frustrated and scream to be fed. I always give in which by doing so he is probably learning that if he persists long enough he will get the bottle??? I can’t leave him screaming though, I feel so bad. A breastfeeding link worker also told me when he cries and becomes frustrated at the breast he could associate being at the breast with a bad feeling and I should pass him to dad for feeding. In an ideal world this would be great but Alan works shifts so it isn’t possible and laying Alfie down to calm down isn’t an option because he doesn’t.
I’m stuck in a rut and wondering if I should give it up as a bad job or put more effort in? I knew re starting breastfeeding wasn’t going to be easy and I’m not expecting it to just happen but wanting to do it and having the ability to do it are two different things. For one, I can’t just stay in the house 24/7 and breastfeeding outside the house especially when we are struggling is quite daunting to me. I would feel embarrassed trying to breastfeed and failing in public and giving in with a bottle. People judge without knowing the full story. I would stay in 24/7 but with all the hospital appointments we have for Alfie [3 this week] it isn’t possible not to mention my sanity would suffer further. As I mentioned earlier expressing isn’t always possible due to Alfie’s unsettled state. What’s a girl to do?
I bet you’re wondering if things are so hard, why haven’t I just given it up already and stuck with formula feeding and if you’re not wondering I’m still going to tell you. Whoever you are. I haven’t given up because it is something I really want to do. I really want my baby to have the very best and as we all know “breast is best.” I want that specialness between Alfie and I when he is feeding, I want our bond to grow stronger. I want to feel that sense of achievement that I have done something good – even more so for succeeding in restarting breastfeeding. I want to be able to succeed and be able to offer other mums in my position advice and support – like I have been shown by my breastfeeding link worker. I want to do it for me but even more so I want to do it for Alfie. There is a breastfeeding support group local to me on a Wednesday but my confidence is stopping me from attending. I will feel so embarrassed by trying to breastfeed, failing and having to break out the bottle. Again, as I type this my eyes start to fill up and all I want to do is cry. I am failing miserably. What else can I do???
In an ideal world I’d like to have a link worker with me every day of the week, helping me through it – offering support and advice and making sure I’m doing it right. Is it my positioning? Is it a slow or fast let down? Is it a slow flow? All those problems and more go through my head at every failed breast feed. A link worker is there to understand and support and advise, they won’t pass judgment they are simply supportive and praise your efforts for trying. It isn’t an ideal world though and there aren’t enough support workers to go around and my need is no greater than any other woman out there so I shouldn’t be given preferential treatment. Doesn’t stop me wanting though. If I ever succeed at restarting breastfeeding I am definitely going to volunteer to be a support worker.
I don’t want to give up, I really, really don’t but I don’t know where to go from here? If you’re reading this and you’ve been successful or unsuccessful in breastfeeding I would really love to hear from you. Any support, advice or inspiration would be greatly received by Alfie and I. Anything is worth a try at this stage. Anything.
Hello
ReplyDeleteI only just read this. Have you tried laid-back breastfeeding? Or a babymoon? Feeding in the bath? DM me on twitter if you'd like to have an email chat about some ideas.
Sounds like you're having a tough time
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