Sex After Birth

I won’t go into the story of the birds and the bees but we all know how babies end up in mummy’s tummy.  We all know it takes two to tango.  Sex during pregnancy and after birth seems a bit of a taboo subject and a subject I’m going to tackle focusing on my own personal experience.

Obviously we had sex to conceive Alfie but at 6 weeks pregnant I suffered with severe hyperemesis gravidarum and that lasted up until 16 weeks pregnant and even then it only calmed down and I was sick until the day Alfie was born.  So with the sickness, sex was off the menu and that included our wedding night.  We did have sex once on honeymoon but it was more out of guilt than lust on my part, I felt so bad for my new husband going from 3 times a day to bugger all a week!  After that, I just never felt “in the mood” so we never bothered, much to hubby’s disappointment.  At around 39 weeks, we gave it a try to see if it would kick start labour as the saying goes.  It didn’t work and it felt very awkward but we managed to laugh about it.

12 weeks after giving birth, I have no desire to have sex.  I don’t feel desirable or attractive despite my husband’s best and most inventive advances!  I think given half the chance, he’d have had me in bed the night I came home from hospital!  Aside from not feeling attractive, I don’t feel ready to have sex again.  The feeling is almost like being a virgin and considering sex for the first time, it’s daunting and scary and sometimes you’re just not mentally ready for it.  Then there’s the physical side of things, with my dislocated coccyx (did I mention that before?) and the fissure, I’m in pain as it is without trying to have sex which may make things feel even worse!

Hubby mentions sex now and again, often with a sexual innuendo or cheeky remark but he understands it isn’t that easy for me.  Hubby understands it’s not easy for me and equally I understand that the frustration (and not just sexual) for him must be terrible too.  I often worry that our sexless marriage will bore him if I don’t get my act together soon and he may leave me.  Hubby assures me on a regular basis that he loves me and our son and although sex would be nice, it isn’t the be all and end all for him.  I still can’t help feeling guilty though and his understanding makes me feel even worse.  I wonder will I ever feel sexy again?  Will I ever want to be intimate again?  I don’t know the answer, I probably will but only time will tell.

Thursday, hubby and I are having our first ever date night that is if I have the guts to carry it out.  I asked one of my best, oldest and most trusted friends to baby sit Alfie for a few hours while hubby and I go to the cinema to see The Inbetweeners and maybe some nosh afterwards.  I’m dreading it already but it’s got to happen at some point – we have Lee Evans tickets in October!  I’ll probably be on my phone checking up on Alfie every 2 minutes but I need to learn that my husband needs my attention too.  I spend all my time with Alfie and when he’s asleep he’s on my mind or I’m doing something for him, lately my husband has been a little pushed out of it all.  I plan to get a little dolled up (as much as a visit to the cinema permits, don’t worry I won’t be in my clubbing gear – not that I own any clubbing gear!) and to enjoy the time as much as I can with my husband.  The whole of our marriage the main focus has either been being pregnant or having Alfie and while focusing on Alfie will never change for either of us, we can just for one night be a couple.  I hope.

I know one day we will have sex again because I want to.  I don’t feel like it yet but I know I want to feel intimate with my husband again and I know that time will heal any physical or mental things I am going through that is stopping us.  My husband would happily come home from work tomorrow morning to ravish me but he won’t even try because he knows it’s just not that easy for me.  He understands that physically and mentally I’m not ready although I have to admit I often use the physical as an excuse because it’s easier to explain than the mental aspect of things with a lot less questions.  With the physical pains stopping me (coccyx and fissure) he knows that they will heal but the mental issues aren’t on a time scale –they could last weeks, months or even years!  I’m hoping for the months, obviously.  I have to give myself credit though, 12 weeks after having a baby is no time at all in the grand scheme of things.  My husband loves me and I very much love my husband and we both still find each other attractive – my feelings of sexiness just aren’t there yet but as long as we talk about things it will never be a massive issue.

The key to a successful marriage is not sex it certainly helps but it isn’t the key, no that is a combination of love, understanding and communication, sex is just the thing you do when all of the above are in harmony.