The Conversation

Top Ten Tuesday is cancelled for this week, I have far more important things on my mind right now, like the conversation hubby and I had this weekend...

Hubby and I have a new routine in the evenings now, we actually sit down at the table and eat dinner together instead of sitting on separate sofas speaking the occasional word to each other and mostly playing on phones/laptops/watching television.  It wasn’t something we spoke about I just had his meal on the table for when he came home from work one night and it’s stuck!  It helps that I’ve taken it upon myself to find the cookery goddess in me and make some fantastic, scrummy meals [even if I do say so myself].

Sunday when hubby came home from work and I had made grilled chicken, vegetables and pasta.  It was [again even if I say so myself] delicious!  We had small talk: “How’s your day been”… “How was work”… “Feel better for that lay in this morning” and then I turned the conversation to baby talk.  I asked hubby how he felt about having another baby and his response was less than positive.  He doesn’t want another. Ever.  We joked around asking each other why we did/didn’t want another baby and kept trying to talk the other around to our way of thinking.  Neither of us budged.  He didn’t have a reason for not wanting another baby…he just doesn’t.  I reminded him of when we first got together and we decided we wanted a big family, he said after Alfie he just doesn’t want another.  We joked around and kept the conversation light hearted although we did ask the question if one wants another baby and one doesn’t…what happens in the future?  We chose not to answer that question.

After having Alfie I did have a short period of not wanting another baby…the pain of birth didn’t heal quickly for me and the trauma of all the early labour was still fresh in my head.  I have no doubt in my mind I was just in denial and was saying what hubby wanted to hear.  I regret ever saying it now.  Every time I look at Alfie it amazes me how much I love him and how much my love for him grows every day.  I know I could love another baby just as much as I love Alfie.  Boy or girl.  I would love them equally – more than anything in the whole wide world but I’d love them differently of course because they’d be different people.  I’d love them both just as much as each other though there’s no doubt in my mind about that.  Hubby agrees if another baby “accidentally” came along he would love him/her just as much as he loves Alfie but he still doesn’t want another.

I’m not sure how to feel after this revelation; I really thought he wanted another baby.  I thought he wanted Alfie to have a brother or sister to play with, fight with and to make memories with.  We need to talk about it again, we’ve agreed that much.  He said he may change his mind in the future but he honestly can’t see it happening.  So is that it?  Just Alfie then?  That makes me sound ungrateful or like Alfie isn’t enough but it isn’t that at all.  Having Alfie was the most magical, beautiful, life changing experience of my life and the love I feel for him is overwhelming – why wouldn’t I want to go through all that again?  It’s true what they say, you forget all the bad bits of pregnancy and birth and just remember the overwhelming wonderful feeling of holding your beautiful baby close and breathing in their newborn scent.  I’m not sure how the next conversation will pan out – I’m not going to try to persuade him to have another baby his heart has to be in it because otherwise it isn’t fair on the baby, hubby or me and Alfie.  I’d like to think he’s still traumatised from the pregnancy and birth of Alfie and that in a couple of years he’ll change his mind.  Who knows?

Dear So and So...My First

Dear Government,

Why is it that working parents have to fork out loads of money for childcare but the unemployed who have nothing to do other than watch Jeremy Kyle get free childcare?  I go back to work in January and will be paying over 100 quid a week.  Sort out your priorities.

Just Sayin, Amy

Dear husband of mine,

I’m really enjoying eating dinner at the table with you at night, I love the “no technology at the dinner table” rule we’ve got going on.  I’m enjoying cooking for you and seeing the satisfaction and shock on your face when you enjoy it.  I told you cooking was a hidden talent, I just kept it well hidden until now.  Oh but please stop leaving your t-shirts, socks and other items of clothing in the livingroom, kitchen and anywhere else other than your wardrobe or wash bin.  Contrary to popular belief, a clothes hunt is not my idea of fun.

Love, your brilliant wife

Dear my baby boys body clock,

If it’s you that’s stopping him sleeping and keeping him awake making him upset then stop it.  It’s no fun for either of us.  There’s only going to be one winner here and it won’t be you.

Love, the boys mummy




Dear K,

You're take take take all the time and the times I need you, you're never there.  You only bother with me when you want something and bitch at me when I can't give it to you.  You make promises you have no intention of keeping and you try to make me feel guilty for expecting you to.  It'd be nice if just once you'd keep your word but because you haven't once again me and my family suffer.  Please don't ask for my help again because after today, I'm done being a mug.

Let down again, Your Sister.

Dear Self,

Stop doubting yourself.  Stop thinking you can’t do something.  You’ve got everything you need to succeed in your head so give it a shot you might surprise yourself.  Stop listening to people who make you doubt yourself and start listening to those who support you.  Give yourself a chance, you won’t regret it.

In Your Head, Amy

Silent Sunday

Weaning - Day 1

Recently, Alfie has become a lot more unsettled and he seems very uncomfortable when he’s feeding.  I spoke to a doctor and my health visitor and both came up with the conclusion that his reflux is for some reason not being controlled as well by the medicines anymore.  This could be for many reasons, mainly his weight VS dosage.  I mentioned in a previous post that we were advised to wean Alfie earlier than 6 months for medical reasons; at first this really upset me as I wanted to wait until he was 6 months old however recently my opinion has changed.

Yesterday we gave Alfie his first taste of porridge and it’s safe to say he enjoyed it!  It was officially the first day of weaning him.  I understand some of you reading this will disagree completely with weaning before 6 months but for Alfie it’s just the right time.  Babies with reflux rarely get to 6 months on milk alone because it is so painful for them.  Pureed food is thicker and therefore easier to keep down.  I think until you go through a similar experience where your child is so unhappy and in pain you can’t understand.  I too was against weaning before 6 months until I was advised otherwise by a professional.

The plan is to give Alfie porridge after his morning feed for a week or two then we’ll introduce fruit and vegetables and eventually meat.  I plan on weaning him slowly so he can get used to the tastes and textures of the foods.  We’re hoping to stick to making the purees ourselves so I know exactly what he’s eating although there are certain brands I’ll use if needed such as Plum Baby.  I’m both excited and nervous about weaning him.  Mostly, the excitement is because I know in time he’ll feel so much better with the reflux easing off.  The nerves are because I’m a new mum and have no idea about weaning!  I’m following Alfie’s lead all the way on this and the fact that he was smiling eating his porridge tells me he enjoyed it  - that and he practically ate the spoon too!

My Demanding Baby

Since becoming a mummy one of my biggest annoyances is competitive parents and parenting.  Having a baby is a special and magical thing but at the same time it is extremely hard.  I have a friend who, when I talk to her about Alfie likes to tell me that her baby has slept through 10 hours for her.  She brags that he is fully weaned at only four months [she never breastfeed, personal choice] and she competes with other friends for whose baby will be the first to sit up unaided etc…  Why is there this need to compete?  Why are some mums so keen on telling other mums how they get their little one to sleep through the night?  Alfie doesn’t sleep through so automatically I’m doing something wrong or I should be doing something else?  When will people realise that babies are people and therefore they are all different. 

 

I hate hearing friends tell me I should “feed him up” before bed or drop the breastfeeding completely [we currently mix feed] because when they did, their baby slept through the night.  I am constantly told, I will “spoil” Alfie if I cuddle him every time he cries.  I completely and utterly disagree with controlled crying or crying it out techniques – this in my eyes is cruel.  I’m told I spoil him by co-sleeping.  I spoil him by taking his lead on pretty much everything.  How is it possible to spoil a baby with love?  What a load of rubbish.  Have these people not realised that each baby is different and that their “techniques” may not work for all babies?  I’m pleased that you’re getting your 8 hours sleep at night because your little one sleeps through but I’m more pleased that I’m only getting a few hours broken sleep because Alfie wakes up because it means I get to look at him and cuddle him more.

My friend has moved her four month old baby into his own room, already.  It is recommended that babies sleep in the same room as you until they are 6 months old.  Why would she want that separation from her baby sooner than is recommended?  I know that eventually Alfie will be in his own room but not until he is ready be it at 6 months or 12.  She doesn’t understand the concept of co-sleeping and often mocks me for doing it saying that I’ll never get my bed back.  I haven’t always co-slept although I wish I had had the confidence to from the start.  The midwives in the hospital didn’t let me sleep with Alfie on my chest and took him off me to put him in the crib whilst we both slept.  I was told not to pick him up to cuddle him if he was asleep.  I wish I hadn’t listened but that’s another blog post.  Everything I do, I do for Alfie.  I have found that co-sleeping means he is much easier to settle when he wakes up because he is close to me.  How is that bad?

The mothers who compete against each other for their child’s first steps, the first time they sleep in their own room, sleep through the night or use the potty are missing the point of those all important milestones.  It isn’t about how early your baby can do it, it’s the fact that they CAN do it – late or early it doesn’t matter.  Why would you want to compete against another parent for whose child will walk first?  If your child doesn’t walk first will you be disappointed?  Some parents are so set on their baby growing up they wish their lives away.  Why are they so interested in what other babies can do, isn’t their own baby enough to interest them?  I was elated that Alfie could sit up on his own for a few seconds at only 3 months but my first reaction wasn’t to text everyone to let them know – it was to take a photograph and make a mental note to put it in his baby book.

Alfie is and always has been a demanding baby – even throughout pregnancy he liked to keep me on my toes.  He doesn’t sleep through – waking at least twice a night on rare occasions but closer to the 3-4 times.  He won’t go to sleep unaided – he likes to be cuddled, rocked, nursed etc. to sleep.  He hates his car seat and travelling in the car and screams blue murder when we put him in – so much so I have been relegated to the back seat with him until he feels more comfortable with it.  Some days he hates his pram – other days he hates being carried.  He is constantly sick due to reflux and feeding times can be a nightmare despite the medication.  Sometimes, he is inconsolable unless you pick him up and cuddle him but you must be stood up or he cries.  Alfie is a demanding baby but he is my baby and I wouldn’t have him any other way. 

Sometimes he has days where he is a grumpy baby and other days he is all smiles.  He cries but he also laughs and smiles.  He doesn’t sleep through the night but he gets the right amount of sleep he does need and that’s what’s important.  He’s a demanding feeder but he gets what he needs to keep him healthy.  He hates car rides but he doesn’t mind so much if I’m there with him.  Sometimes it can be really difficult to settle him with cuddles, dummies, rocking or singing but once he is settled it is really easy to make him smile.  Some days Alfie is demanding and hard work but every day he is a pleasure to have and he makes every day so special.  I’m not interested that your child can sleep through the night or is already fully weaned or is sleeping in their own room…I follow the lead of my son and always will.  It’s about unconditional love and nurturing not competing and rushing.

Top Ten Tuesday - Excuses Excuses

Getting into the swing of my Top Ten Tuesdays now, got plenty of things I can write ten things about be it tips or otherwise.  This week I’m keeping it light hearted with top ten pregnancy excuses!  Pregnancy is a big excuse in itself but the top ten things I’ve used it for follow:

1.       I’m eating for two – OK so we all know that this isn’t true, you don’t eat for two and your calorie intake doesn’t need doubling when you’re pregnant but hey it’s a damn good excuse to have that cheeky desert after dinner!

2.       I need to go shopping – Not something you can get away with every day but when you’re pregnant you need to shop for clothes for yourself and your expanding waistline and for things for bubba – and if you treat yourself to a new handbag, it’s just a reward for all that waddling around the shops you’ve done!

3.       I can’t clean up - OK so medically you’re not ill but bloody hell it’s hard work carrying a baby around in your tummy, you don’t need to be on your feet any more than you have to.  Plus, loads of women get the nesting instinct in the last few weeks of pregnancy…hubby can do it ‘til then!

4.       I need a massage – Professional or a lovely back/foot rub from hubby is good.  You might not be aching but how can he argue with the woman carrying his child?!

5.       I need new shoes – I threw out most of my shoes before I got pregnant with Alfie because they’d seen better days but when my feet swelled at the end of pregnancy I got to replace a fair few pairs because the shoes I did have weren’t suitable for swollen feet.  Hello sexy sandals and cute shoe-pumps.

6.       I want to choose the film/what we watch on TV – when hubby is at work and you’re at home with bubba – you won’t have time to watch anything or you’ll be too tired to so you should get to do it before bubba arrives!  So what if you do get to watch TV whilst bubba is sleeping and you’re not tired/can’t sleep – hubby will be at work, how will he know!

7.       “Not tonight love” – Before if you weren’t in the mood for some cheeky between the sheets you’d have to feign a migraine but now you have a bump in the way – the laws of physics just won’t allow it.

8.       Let’s go out – Before bubba is born tell hubby you want to spend “quality time” together because it’ll be hard once your little one appears…it just so happens that the “quality time” is spent at the cinema watching a film of your choice followed by dinner at your favourite restaurant…

9.       Can you paint my toe nails, I can’t reach! This is a legitimate excuse; I really couldn’t reach my feet to paint my toe nails.  I didn’t need them doing but I was pregnant so hubby was putty in my hands – it only lasts for 9 months ladies make the most of it!

10.   I’m too tired to visit your mother – Best excuse ever if you’re not bothered about visiting your in laws – you’re growing a baby in there, it’s tiring work the last thing you want to do is go to your mother in laws house to hear about her latest cake creation and who’s having it off with who in the local pub.

These are just some of the excuses I used whilst I was pregnant, or at least thought about using.  Being pregnant is the most wonderful thing in the world but it can also be tiring and stressful, an excuse to get what you want now and then is innocent enough, I’m sure if men went through pregnancy and birth they’d be a LOT worse!

The doctor said it's a pain in the arse...

As I type this and in fact for the last fourteen-fucking-weeks I have been in intense, face scrunching pain and all the doctor could do was to make a joke about it being a “pain in the arse!”  Yeah, thanks for that, dickhead.  If you’ve read my birth blog you’ll know I had a fairly difficult labour, if you haven’t go read it and catch up or just take my word it wasn’t easy, not that labour is ever easy but you catch my drift.  And for the men out there who read this, imagine being kicked in the knackers a billion times and you’re not even close.

Fourteen weeks ago today I had my beautiful baby boy Alfie born on Monday 30^th May 2011 at 2:37AM weighing 8lb 8oz.  That’s when the “pain in the arse” my doctor so insensitively described started.  It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I got my diagnosis, I’d had a couple of doctors check me out but the pain was too bad for them to get a proper look.  If you’re wondering what the “pain in the arse” is…it’s an anal fissure.  For those who are unsure an anal fissure is a tear in/around the anal canal and in my case was caused by child birth.  That’s right people I tore my arse during labour.  Nice eh?  Basically it hurts most of the time but the pain is worse than child birth when I go for a number two and I really am not exaggerating.  It takes 20-30 minutes for me to “go” because of the pain and in that 20-30 minutes I sweat, I cry and I bleed, a lot.  Yep you can bleed from it.

So for fourteen-fucking-weeks I have been suffering with this fissure.  I was given some cream to put on it and some stool softener [Lactulose] to help make bowel movements “easier”.  The cream causes extreme headaches as soon as I use it because it is absorbed by the body that quickly.  The headaches last for about an hour or two and then fade away.  They’re bad enough to make me need to lay down – not easy with a fourteen week old baby.  The lactulose does sweet F.A. aside from maybe make me fart more.  I don’t drink enough during the day because Alfie can be so demanding at times and obviously dehydration can cause constipation.  A big hard shit is a bitch to pass with a fissure…I often cling on to the towel rail or bath whilst biting a towel [what a picture you have now!].  I’ve started to drink more water but it isn’t helping so I decided enough was enough and made another appointment with my doctor.

I went to see him today and explained I feel the fissure is getting worse and the amount of blood is definitely increasing.  I told him about the cream giving me headaches but apparently all creams for fissures will do this…it’s a common side effect.  He told me to keep taking the lactulose despite it doing bugger all and to continue with the cream.  The doctor told me there is nothing else they can do and it will get worse with each bowel movement.  He was concerned it had been going on for fourteen-fucking-weeks but not enough to do something.  Just so you know, a fissure that lasts more than 8 weeks is considered “chronic”.  You’re not chuffin’ kidding!  Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to argue with him because I was concerned for Alfie…he came out in a rash on his legs this morning and I was more concerned about that.

I’m lucky in that I have a friend to talk to who has gone through a similar experience and she suffered for a long time too but thankfully hers cleared up after 12 weeks.  I was hoping 12 weeks would be the magic number for me too but no fourteen-fucking-weeks later and still suffering.  As I type this, I could actually cry the pain is that severe.  The bleeding is awful – I bleed all over the bathroom trying to sort myself out and clean myself up.  Tonight was the last straw for me, I was in agony and all I could think of was the doctor joking about it being a right “pain in the arse”.  Hmm you’re not kidding mate.  The first time I saw him, he told me it was pretty bad and that it brought tears to his eyes so he couldn’t imagine how I felt.  I thought then that he understood.  How wrong was I?  He made the “pain in the arse” joke at my first appointment and he made it again today.  Very sensitive Doctor, thank you.

I have made the executive decision to book in with another doctor, a female one who will perhaps understand more or at least have the decency not to joke about my torn arsehole.  I am refusing to leave the office until I am taken seriously.  I have wrote this post half in jest because if I didn’t I’m damn near sure I’d cry.  The pain is terrible and unless you’ve suffered with it before, it’s hard to describe.  I don’t know eh, the things they don’t tell you about giving birth!!!!